Sad Jealousy

My car-pool friend told me yesterday on the way home that he'd like to leave the office early today. His parents are coming over to his house in the afternoon to enjoy Halloween with his kids. I'd like to be able to go over to my son's and see my grandson tonight, but because I need to drive my daughter around, that isn't going to happen. But even more than being jealous of these grandparents who will be enjoying their grandchildren's holiday, I'm jealous of my car-pool friend. He gets to spend the evening with his parents. My manager is glad to give me the time off and is happy for Andrew; she left early last Friday to spend the weekend with her parents. She came back to work with tales of their time together. Last weekend I missed being able to spend time with Matt, but listening to Tawna, I missed my parents too. It has been so long since they died that thoughts of them don't enter everyday anymore. But when the thoughts do, I realize just how much I miss them. It's not just spending holidays with them, I'd like to just be able to go over to their house for a random afternoon. It's too bad that I didn't have this much appreciation for them when they were alive.

Matt is home, by the way

He spent more than a week traveling around the world, but he did finally get in on Monday afternoon. He sounded happy to be home, but I wasn't able to be there to welcome him. He had to get right to work, so it may be a week or two until I can see him. If nothing else, I will make my way there Thanksgiving and make dinner for him.

Since he's been home his wife is there and they have decided to give their marriage another chance. I think that it's a good idea, only in that I really don't think divorce is ever the best idea. But it doesn't surprise me. I never believed that his wife wanted a divorce as much as she wanted attention. Well, now Matt is home and she has attention. I'm glad that it may work out.

When do you hear the voice of God?

For the past six weeks I have been doing a Bible study on "Discerning the Voice of God" by Pricilla Shirer. I've heard God's voice before, even though the writer of the TV show "House" thinks that makes me crazy. To me I more feel it than hear it, but it is both a sound and a feeling. He speaks unexpectly and speaks plainly and to the point. While He is never condemning, He doesn't mince words with the truth. When I was in the middle of divorce, God clearly told me that I couldn't make someone care about me if they don't. When I was being told that I had cancer, He plainly told me that I would not face it alone. At one time I heard Him explain to me that the troubles in my life are like a filter that allows me to understand His character. I have even heard Him at more trivial times tell me things like "be quiet and listen carefully" when I wanted to interrupt one of my children. But it occurred to me while I was talking about this Bible study with a friend that every occassion that I could readily bring to mind about hearing the voice of God had to do with times and situations where my back was against some wall or another. It also occured to me that most of the Biblical instances of God speaking directly to someone had to do with times of crisis or times of change. I was amazed that I could not think of one time when I recall clearly hearing God's voice at a good time. I wonder why that is. I wonder if God speaks, and we aren't listening in the good times, or maybe I just ignore it, thinking His words to be my own thoughts. Why would God not be as available during my everyday as he is in my times of crisis? I think this is something that I am going to spend more time thinking about.

Monday and still no Matt

I went to Tennesee to see my son, and he didn't get in. I was disappointed and it's hard talking to people of it now. But now it's Monday and my son is still not home. I feel like part of me is drifting in nothingness not knowing where he is. I have a sister who has not known where one of her sons is for more than 6 years. I wonder how she copes with it.

Annoyed

I'm annoyed that nothing seems to be working out for me lately. It seems that I get twarted at every turn and I'm not sure why. Mostly it is by things that I don't seem to control. Officials lost important paperwork that I need. May not be able to get it back and I have no clear route to take after that. Matt should be home, but the plane was delayed. It's like the "I touch it and it falls over" syndrome that I go through some mornings insinuating itself into the most important aspects of my life. Right now, I'm just annoyed and frustrated. I smile at everyone and tell them that everything will work out, that things will be better, just wait and see. But I'm more than a little beyond believing that anymore. There was a time before everyone had computers that if you got frustrated and fed-up you could just disapper. That can't happen anymore, computers have made everyone findable. But sometimes I wish that I could just walk away from my life and disappear into some winding country road.

Waiting

I got the news, wonderful news. Matt was to come home this weekend. I was estatic and made plans to come to Clarksville. Then I found out that he may not be coming in until next week. So I went to the web site and it said that he was coming home this morning at 1:30. So I came to Clarksville anyway. On the way here I found out that Matt won't be in until Monday. I continued here to see Clifton and Nina. I hate that I'm not going to be here when Matt gets here. If he can't come home by next weekend, I'll see if I can come back up here. Best laid plans bite.

Phone Call

I'd been wondering how I'm going to manage the 3-Day next weekend and worried about getting my car registered so I can use it again and now I have a new and wonderful kink in the plan. Matt is coming home next weekend. Forget the rest, I can go Greyhound if I need too.

Revelation

I told my brother last night that I'm on a brittle edge here and was surprised to find out that he already knows it. I'm glad that someone understands. He told me that my sister may be coming to live with us by the beginning of next month. It's probably a good idea.

On another note, I found out this week that a dog I liked died a few weeks ago. He was the dog of a friend who watched my dog while I was sick and too weak to care for him. Buddy was a very nice dog and I was saddened to hear that he died. I have no idea why it bothers me so much, but it does. Maybe it's that I'm getting all the emotions from Laura, Steve and Mindy mixed up with the death of this dog. When I got home last night I gave my dog a dog biscuit with peanut butter on it and a miniature chocolate as a treat. He wouldn't have gotten the chocolate if I wasn't thinking of Buddy.

Unconditionally

I guess it started last spring.  I was upset at someone and refused an invitation with them.  They shunned me for months, until it was no longer in their best interest to do it anymore.  I attempt to keep the hurt of that from affecting all other transactions with them, but it does. We don't talk about it so the feelings just don't exist, right?  Lately I wanted to caution them from doing the same thing with someone else, but we don't talk about that.  I kept quiet, and I hope the other relationship is stronger than ours.  The sad thing for me is that it started a cascade of feeling, self doubts, recriminations etc that have me feeling unloveable.  It isn't the only situation that has added to this affect, but it really was the beginning of it, the catalyst.  So this morning when I read Isaiah 49:15,16 "Will a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you. See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands." my heart said "unloved, unloveable, alone"

 

Drill Meet

Today was the Houston Drill Meet. It was crazy! We were all up at 3am to get there on time. Before we left we had 3 kids go down with heat sickness, one bad enough to need medical help.