Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Change of Permissions
There are sick people in the world who feel it is fine to attack someone and not reveal who they are. If they use physical force we call them criminals. If they attack with words they feel they are good upstanding citizens...
Apparently not only do anonymous commentors think it's fine to voyer into other peoples blogs but it's ok to attack the bloggers charater, and well, why should they be accountable for it, just don't leave a name. After all, some one might attack you back.
So if you wish to comment here 1) don't attack anyones character and 2) leave a name. If you don't your thoughts don't count.
If you don't like what I have to say here, don't read my blog.
Apparently not only do anonymous commentors think it's fine to voyer into other peoples blogs but it's ok to attack the bloggers charater, and well, why should they be accountable for it, just don't leave a name. After all, some one might attack you back.
So if you wish to comment here 1) don't attack anyones character and 2) leave a name. If you don't your thoughts don't count.
If you don't like what I have to say here, don't read my blog.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Passing Christmas
Christmas came and went. Overall, it was a good holiday. Some of the gifts I gave this year were actually appreciated. The worst of the gifts received were exchanged for things that were more practical and appreciated. Christmas dinner, cooked by Lizzie was very good, and is now approaching the recent memory in the left over department. Many loved ones were visited and called. This was a good way to end the year. Now the New Year approaches. I have a few things to look forward too. I will end the year and start the next laughing at the antics of the comedian at the Funny Farm. So my tasks of the next few days are to clear out the vestiges of the old year. The decorations at home will come down and be put away. Linens will be laundered. Floors will be swept and cleaned. At work all files will be put away and closed out. This year my goal was to have read 12 books. I read 34. My goals for the next year will be to create one painting that I feel is worthy of being framed, to create one sewn object that I would want to use, to write one poem that I may not have to share with anyone and to work on one project that I feel pleased to have my name attached too.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Christmas on its way
Matt and Nina got in last night. It is so good to see them. Clifton is talking so much more and is now having conversations with people. That is so good to hear. The issue this time seems to be that Tim has arranged for everyone to have dinner together, but it seems that he has forgotten to tell us. Tim Sr. isn't coming into town until two weeks from now and so he won't be there, and apparently Lizzie and I are supposed to be there, but we weren't told either. I wonder if I'm supposed to pay for this. Not much of a problem...but it is. I kind of wonder if I actually was told about this, but in all of the other stuff of the season I somehow forgot about it.
At least my nose has healed to the point that I now only look a bit drunk. It has even quit peeling.
At least my nose has healed to the point that I now only look a bit drunk. It has even quit peeling.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Lesson Again
It's one of those lesson's that I keep having to learn over and over again...I wish that I could just get my head wrapped around it and it wouldn't come back up.
Many years ago in the beginning of my divorce, I had the notion that counseling might help. I meant it for me, but ex decided that it would be a good idea for both of us. It didn't work out well. I contacted an office that had come highly recommended from several couples that we knew and had an introductory meeting with them. To say it was disasterous is to say the Pacific Ocean is a nice pond. Afterward they put us on a 6 week waiting list that somehow drug out to 8 months. After the first few sessions the counselor decided he'd rather be doing mission work in Bolivia and moved away. The group offered to put me back on the waiting list (by this time my ex was no longer interested in counseling). When the second waiting period was extended for a few weeks, I was called and asked to come in for an appointment. On that night I secured the baby sitter for my daughter and went to the office. When I got there the receptionist looked at me all flustered and asked what I was doing there. I told her that I had an appointment to which she replied that my appointment must be for next week. I told her no, that no date had been mentioned. I was simply asked to come in Wednesday at 7:00. She looked at her calendar and saw that I was correct, and then stammered that it didn't matter because the counselor was dealing with another couple who were having a crisis. I was given an appointment for the following Wednesday and left hurt and angry. Driving home my thoughts and prayers circled around all the crisis' ex and I had during the many months we waited on counseling and how many times it would have been nice to just have someone to mediate for us. I was angry that I was pushed away and was facing the divorce alone...angry that I was always alone to face every crisis. I cried out to God and said "They didn't care about me enough to call and make sure I didn't hurt myself when the sent me home from the first disasterous meeting. They didn't care that I was in a crisis. But they expect me to forgive all rejection because someone else is in crisis. Why is it that everyone is cared about here but me? I can't even get them to care when I'm paying them to do it!" It was right then that I heard God's voice tell me "I told Tim to love you, and he decided not to. You paid these people to care for you and they don't even see you. You can't make someone care about you if they don't. Don't waste your time trying to force it." Immediately I called the counseling center back and cancelled the appointment and the next day I found a lawyer to file for divorce. The sad truth was that none of those people cared about me then and there was nothing that would make them do it. They didn't even see me.
This week with my nose red and inflamed like Rudolph's beacon, I contacted my primary care doctor's office to get an appointment. I don't know if the message ever got back to the doctor that I was calling in with cellulitis. I was never even offered an appointment. I was only told to call back in to be told there were no appointments and to go somewhere else. I pay them to know my medical condition and to care about it. They are obviously not going to. I don't know why I thought that it was worth my time to try to get them to understand that because of my other medical conditions, I am in dire straits with this infection. I finally went to a "doc in a box" place and saw a man who saw a one sided page medical history that explained nothing. I doubt he even believed half of what I put on there. He's treating me with small doses of mild antibiotics and didn't like my objection to taking a steroid, and didn't try to explain why I should do it anyway.
I can't make people care about me when they aren't going to. If I could let go of the hope that I'm going to be good enough, or pay enough, or even be sick enough that someone might care, then maybe I could be spared from having to be drug through this mess again.
Last year at this time I was looking for a new primary care doctor because the one I had could never work me into her part time schedule. I will be looking for a new primary care doctor again in the new year. Maybe the first thing I should say to them is "If I'm really sick and I get told that you are too busy to see me, go somewhere else" it's a deal breaker.
Many years ago in the beginning of my divorce, I had the notion that counseling might help. I meant it for me, but ex decided that it would be a good idea for both of us. It didn't work out well. I contacted an office that had come highly recommended from several couples that we knew and had an introductory meeting with them. To say it was disasterous is to say the Pacific Ocean is a nice pond. Afterward they put us on a 6 week waiting list that somehow drug out to 8 months. After the first few sessions the counselor decided he'd rather be doing mission work in Bolivia and moved away. The group offered to put me back on the waiting list (by this time my ex was no longer interested in counseling). When the second waiting period was extended for a few weeks, I was called and asked to come in for an appointment. On that night I secured the baby sitter for my daughter and went to the office. When I got there the receptionist looked at me all flustered and asked what I was doing there. I told her that I had an appointment to which she replied that my appointment must be for next week. I told her no, that no date had been mentioned. I was simply asked to come in Wednesday at 7:00. She looked at her calendar and saw that I was correct, and then stammered that it didn't matter because the counselor was dealing with another couple who were having a crisis. I was given an appointment for the following Wednesday and left hurt and angry. Driving home my thoughts and prayers circled around all the crisis' ex and I had during the many months we waited on counseling and how many times it would have been nice to just have someone to mediate for us. I was angry that I was pushed away and was facing the divorce alone...angry that I was always alone to face every crisis. I cried out to God and said "They didn't care about me enough to call and make sure I didn't hurt myself when the sent me home from the first disasterous meeting. They didn't care that I was in a crisis. But they expect me to forgive all rejection because someone else is in crisis. Why is it that everyone is cared about here but me? I can't even get them to care when I'm paying them to do it!" It was right then that I heard God's voice tell me "I told Tim to love you, and he decided not to. You paid these people to care for you and they don't even see you. You can't make someone care about you if they don't. Don't waste your time trying to force it." Immediately I called the counseling center back and cancelled the appointment and the next day I found a lawyer to file for divorce. The sad truth was that none of those people cared about me then and there was nothing that would make them do it. They didn't even see me.
This week with my nose red and inflamed like Rudolph's beacon, I contacted my primary care doctor's office to get an appointment. I don't know if the message ever got back to the doctor that I was calling in with cellulitis. I was never even offered an appointment. I was only told to call back in to be told there were no appointments and to go somewhere else. I pay them to know my medical condition and to care about it. They are obviously not going to. I don't know why I thought that it was worth my time to try to get them to understand that because of my other medical conditions, I am in dire straits with this infection. I finally went to a "doc in a box" place and saw a man who saw a one sided page medical history that explained nothing. I doubt he even believed half of what I put on there. He's treating me with small doses of mild antibiotics and didn't like my objection to taking a steroid, and didn't try to explain why I should do it anyway.
I can't make people care about me when they aren't going to. If I could let go of the hope that I'm going to be good enough, or pay enough, or even be sick enough that someone might care, then maybe I could be spared from having to be drug through this mess again.
Last year at this time I was looking for a new primary care doctor because the one I had could never work me into her part time schedule. I will be looking for a new primary care doctor again in the new year. Maybe the first thing I should say to them is "If I'm really sick and I get told that you are too busy to see me, go somewhere else" it's a deal breaker.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Disconnected
I called my doctor's office today to get an appointment for tomorrow. It took all day to get a person on the phone and she told me that there were no appointments available. I should call in the morning to see if I there was a cancellation. I told her that I was sure that I have cellulitis and since I'm a cancer survivor I don't have much of an immune system, I asked her what I should do if the doctor can't see me. She said she'd take a message into the nurse. The nurse waited until after 5 pm and called my voice mail to leave me a message to tell me to call in the morning to see if there was a cancellation. She didn't answer my question. If I go to the emergency room some doctor and nurse will be pissed because I came in for a clearly non-emergent condition "Why couldn't I see my primary care physician for that?". I like my doctor, but I can't get past her office staff.
Resolved
This is my son's plan to get out of debt:
The Steps to Financial Peace
0.1: Commit to NEVER borrow $$$ EVER for ANYTHING other than possibly a house.
0.2: Talk with spouse and get him/her on the same page as you concerning finances.
0.3 Do a written budget.
0.4 Temporarily stop all retirement contributions.
0.5 Get current on all the basics (You MUST have Food, Utilities, Shelter, Basic Transportation).
0.6 Amputate "toys" (bikes, boats, ATV's etc) if they will keep you from completing the snowball within 12 months
0.7 Cut lifestyle (Cut CATV, Cellphone, Regular phone "extras", Internet, Eating out, etc) and/or take second job if $1000 EF will take more than 30-90 days. (depending on income)
0.8 Get current on ALL bills.
0.9 Pay full Tithe.
1.0 Save $1000 In baby EF.
1.1 Chop up CC's. (You have an EF now, no NEED to keep those CC's !!)
1.2 Get Health insurance NOW (chances of getting sick w/ major medical bills are larger than that of death), especially if you have children.
1.3 Get Life insurance NOW if you have considerable debt/your family couldn't make it financially if you died. Especially important if you have children !! Social Insecurity provides only a small amount of coverage if you have dependents.
1.4 Amputate cars that you can't pay off within 24 months (You have an EF to fix the "bondo buggy" if something should happen)
1.5 Consider raising insurance deductables to $500 or $1000 and dropping full coverage on paid for "bondo buggy" (You have an EF ya know)
1.6 Draw up a will.
1.7 Get Long-Term Disability insurance.
2.0 Do debt snowball, paying all your debts from lowest BALANCE to highest.
2.1: You can take your first vacation since finding Dave if you can pay cash for it (no using the EF !!!)
3.0 Save 3-6 months EXPENSES in EF.
3.1 Start car replacement fund.
3.2 Save up 20% for home purchase OR pay down existing mortgage to the point you can drop PMI.
3.3 Start furniture or other non-essential stuff replacement fund.
3.4 Move up in car if you still feel the need to (must pay cash for it)
4.0 Start contributing 15% of your paycheck to retirement.
5.0 Save for kids college fund.
6.0 Pay off house early.
7.0 Live like no one else since you have lived like no one else. -- Give & Build Wealth.
See Also: Dave Ramsey
Not really a bad plan...
My plan was stupid:
I let my brother and sister come and live with me on the thought that they'd be adults and support themselves. Not. I'm not even asking full rent from them. Brother always has an excuse and I don't think sister has even looked for a job. I can barely support myself, I can't support them. Lizzie graduates from high school in 18 months and will go off to college. At that time I'm going to euthanize all animals in my care and move into a cheap one bedroom apartment. I will only support myself and no one else, save sending Lizzie what I can afford. I'm going to give brother and sister the "You have a year and a half to grow up, but until then you are required to pay your share of the rent" talk tonight.
The Steps to Financial Peace
0.1: Commit to NEVER borrow $$$ EVER for ANYTHING other than possibly a house.
0.2: Talk with spouse and get him/her on the same page as you concerning finances.
0.3 Do a written budget.
0.4 Temporarily stop all retirement contributions.
0.5 Get current on all the basics (You MUST have Food, Utilities, Shelter, Basic Transportation).
0.6 Amputate "toys" (bikes, boats, ATV's etc) if they will keep you from completing the snowball within 12 months
0.7 Cut lifestyle (Cut CATV, Cellphone, Regular phone "extras", Internet, Eating out, etc) and/or take second job if $1000 EF will take more than 30-90 days. (depending on income)
0.8 Get current on ALL bills.
0.9 Pay full Tithe.
1.0 Save $1000 In baby EF.
1.1 Chop up CC's. (You have an EF now, no NEED to keep those CC's !!)
1.2 Get Health insurance NOW (chances of getting sick w/ major medical bills are larger than that of death), especially if you have children.
1.3 Get Life insurance NOW if you have considerable debt/your family couldn't make it financially if you died. Especially important if you have children !! Social Insecurity provides only a small amount of coverage if you have dependents.
1.4 Amputate cars that you can't pay off within 24 months (You have an EF to fix the "bondo buggy" if something should happen)
1.5 Consider raising insurance deductables to $500 or $1000 and dropping full coverage on paid for "bondo buggy" (You have an EF ya know)
1.6 Draw up a will.
1.7 Get Long-Term Disability insurance.
2.0 Do debt snowball, paying all your debts from lowest BALANCE to highest.
2.1: You can take your first vacation since finding Dave if you can pay cash for it (no using the EF !!!)
3.0 Save 3-6 months EXPENSES in EF.
3.1 Start car replacement fund.
3.2 Save up 20% for home purchase OR pay down existing mortgage to the point you can drop PMI.
3.3 Start furniture or other non-essential stuff replacement fund.
3.4 Move up in car if you still feel the need to (must pay cash for it)
4.0 Start contributing 15% of your paycheck to retirement.
5.0 Save for kids college fund.
6.0 Pay off house early.
7.0 Live like no one else since you have lived like no one else. -- Give & Build Wealth.
See Also: Dave Ramsey
Not really a bad plan...
My plan was stupid:
I let my brother and sister come and live with me on the thought that they'd be adults and support themselves. Not. I'm not even asking full rent from them. Brother always has an excuse and I don't think sister has even looked for a job. I can barely support myself, I can't support them. Lizzie graduates from high school in 18 months and will go off to college. At that time I'm going to euthanize all animals in my care and move into a cheap one bedroom apartment. I will only support myself and no one else, save sending Lizzie what I can afford. I'm going to give brother and sister the "You have a year and a half to grow up, but until then you are required to pay your share of the rent" talk tonight.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Rudolph
It started as a small sting yesterday, just inside my nose. I thought that I may be getting a pimple in there. I'm kind of prone toward those. But by last night the outside of my nose began looking a bit red. Now it is red and swollen and painful all the way up to my tear duct. My eye and my head is hurting and I have been stuffing neosporin up my nose all day trying to get some relief. It isn't taking much to figure out what this is. I'm hoping that the fever won't start until I can get off work and get to a clinic. Maybe some real antibiotics will help prevent a hospital stay. I kind of look like I've been drinking for a few days...kind of starting to feel like it too.
Friday, December 5, 2008
Hurtful days
I don't stay angry over the divorce much anymore. There was a time when I couldn't have said that, but I don't now. Still, there are days that hurt, times that hurt, things that hurt. Valentines days aren't fun now, but it's not really like they have ever been fun for me. My daughter going off to the prom hurts. Her father should have been there to tell her how beautiful she is. My anniversary is coming up and it would have been my 30th. I haven't been looking forward to the day, but I haven't been overly dramatic about it. Still, the prospect of the day just hurts. Having someone to love and to grow old with was the promise that was broken. That the day is coming and I'm alone hurts. I was thinking of doing something nice for myself, maybe going to a movie or going up to the mountains to visit a friend.
Missing the Point
Right now, I'm very grateful for the job I have. The company that I work for is likely to be one of a handful of companies world wide where the employees aren't sitting around worrying about whether their job will survive the down turn. It has been and is a good stable job. But I swear, sometimes I have to wonder just who it is who sets IT policies around here. I'd like to go up and smack him or her up side the head. A few months ago, and I do mea a very few months, all of our managers and supervisors were given Blackberries on which they could be tied to the office 24/7. I'm sure that after observing the business use of applications for more than a decade, the Blackberry was take off the list of things that could potentially be used to abuse corporate standards. (Meaning, some manager would be playing internet games rather than working after office hours.) Today the memo came around that as of today internet services will no longer be available for corporate Blackberries. Well, maybe you should just take them all and shuck them in the bin. What was the point of moving into the millenium if we do not wish to stay here?
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