I locked my blog a few days ago thinking that it would make me feel more free to express myself here. It didn't work, so I have given everyone permission to read again. I'm afraid that the result is that I will have lost those people who read my blog regularly. Hopefully they will forgive me and find their way back.
The bigger issue is that I'm no longer using this media to express myself. When I started blogging many years ago, I was going through a divorce and needed somewhere to scream without disturbing my already hurting kids. Then I needed a place to vent about the impossibility of controlling teen aged boys. Then losing my home and being the mother of an American soldier in a war zone took over the conversation. After that, it was one of the darkest periods as I was expressing my feelings as I was facing death with breast cancer. But since then and especially over the past year, my blog has rambled on about not much. It's not that I don't have problems, I have plenty of those. It's just that I think that I understand the power of my words to be negative more now. I know that what I rant about can cause a serious breach in relationships. I've experienced it on both sides over the past year. So if I want to scream about my ex-husbands crazy wife, or about various family members, while it may be good for me to scream about it somewhere, I understand that it may be deleterious to important relationships to do so. The thing is that by locking this diary, it didn't take away the feeling that I need to measure every word.
So whatever the outcome, the diary is open again to be viewed.