Am I my brother's keeper?

The question was a stupid one asked at the dawn of time and not surprisingly left unanswered. "Am I my brother's keeper?" I contemplated it this afternoon as I was driving my daughter home from her college dorm. The assumption was that of course I would go get her, buy her lunch at a venue that she would enjoy, stop countless times on errands that she needed to do and deliver her safetly home. Once in my car, she informed me that there was an additional lab fee of $200 that needed to be paid before she could turn in a luming assignment for a class that she added after registration. I suppose I'm just to turn over the funds to her. And all this didn't get me thinking about the question. The simple act that got me pondering the question once more was so non-consequential as her reaching over to change the channel of the radio in the car. It bugged me, not so much because I was intently listening to the music being played, but because she just assumed that it was fine to do so. In the same manner my brother changes the channel when he gets into my car for the daily commute to work. And I wonder, how did I become such a non-entity that they assume that I should have no control over my own car? I know that being a mother, we are conditioned to make sacrafices, to pick our battles, etc. But I would never assume that it was fine to jump into someone else's car and change their radio station. It's just rude. So how is it alright with me? Further more, why is it just assumed that I'm going to go pick up my daughter, ferry her around, carpool my brother to work and back, cook dinner for everyone, on and on with a list that sometimes seem unending for the things that I must do. I wonder what would happen if I just quit doing them. Would my brother find another way to work? Would my daughter come home? Would she find another way to pay that lab fee? Would she have changed the class? Would she sometimes ask her father for the money instead of me? How on earth did I become everyone's keeper and is there a way to reverse the trend without throwing a fit?

I'm getting quite a bit of money from as health incentive bonuses next weekend and I have decided to not mention it to anyone. I have decided that a better plan is to just quietly pay a few bills and purchase the small things I want without saying anything to anyone about the existence of the money. I'm sure that if I mention it, the money will have a way of making it's way to other purposes than what I entend it for. Sad, because I feel it says things about me that I don't like and should go get counseling for. It's not hard to figure out the co-dependence here, in the 70's we actually took seminars and proudly wore badges declaring "I'm a people person". Too bad I couldn't figure out that meant "I'm a chump, take advantage of me."

And the other aspect of this is that I'm sure it's this (attitude?) whatever that makes my doctor's office feel that it's ok to just change out my appointment. I wonder if the dim wit in the office on Wednesday if they would have felt that it was fine to just ignore my request to see the doctor. The dim wit, two seconds after she turned in her paperwork to sign in, said "I've already been waiting a long time. Is the doctor here today?" I'll bet she did see Dr. S. Yes, this whole thing is still bothering me.

In the end, I just hate being the bad guy. I hate saying no, even when the answer is no. I hate being it so much, I'm the one that usually gets the shaft for it. I'll bet if I said no more, I'd find out that everyone would find a better way to get what they need and that I'm not so important after all. I wonder if that is what is really at the bottom of the attitude.

Disappointed

I went to my oncology appointment this afternoon. The scheduler told me on January 7th when she called to confirm my original appointment that Dr. S. wouldn't be in the office and that I had an appointment with the NP. I was disappointed then, but not overly concerned. I already knew that the appointment would be snowed out and I would be rescheduling. So when I rescheduled I explained that I had some medical issue that came up and wanted to talk to Dr. S. I asked for an appointment with him, and was told that a note would be made on the chart. When I went in this afternoon, I had to wait nearly two hours in the waiting room, which is a very long time for that practice. Then I waited for another eternity in the examining room. There had been a dim witted woman there who'd neglected to sign in for her appointment and I knew she was going to make everyone late. Then after waiting so long, the NP came into the examining room and did the exam. I didn't want make a fuss if the reason was that someone who has cancer now was needing to see him, so I asked the NP the questions that I had for Dr. S. The questions were about the late effects of my specific treatment for my cancer. The NP wasn't employed with the group when I did my chemotherapy and didn't look up what treatment I received. She spouted out the same generalized crap that you get when you google, only the articles you google tell you to see your health care team for specifics about your treatment. Her answers were so general that they were of no help to me, and I couldn't get her to give me anything specific to the treatment that I'd received. When I checked out of the appointment, I asked the receptionist why the appointment had been changed from Dr. S to the NP. The receptionist began to argue with me about who my appointment was supposed to be with, but the note had been placed in my file that I had requested an appointment with the doctor. There was apparently no specific reason that my appointment had been changed and I wasn't even offered an apology. The best she could do was tell me that when I go back in six months I can see the doctor. Lot of friggin help that is, what am I supposed to say "Yeah, six months ago I was having these issues and wanted these answers which I asked for and never got." Gee thanks! Just another reason why cancer survivors feel abandoned after their active treatment has ended.

New Year Check-ups

It's the new year and so it's time again for a new round of medical check-ups. Actually I'm getting a rather late start as the snows a few weeks ago made it necessary to reschedule a few appointments. As a result, I have oncology today, nephrology tomorrow, endocrinology on Tuesday, my physical on Wednesday and then on Friday, I will be traveling to Vanderbilt to participate in the Reach for Survivorship program. Today, I am on edge. I shouldn't be, because my oncology visits are mainly social visits these days and even though I want to discuss the heart problems that I began having in November with him, I don't expect to find any new cancers. Nephrology tomorrow will be interesting because I will have to tell him that the two cardiologist weren't concerned with the decreased heart function that alarmed him. But I'm not expecting anything new from that appointment either. I'm certain that I've already lost enough weight to keep the endocrinologist happy, but I'm concerned about my physical. I am so hoping that the new diet that the endo has me on has improved my triglycerides enough that I can discontinue the overly expensive medication that I've been taking for it. Also, I'm kind of at odds with the doctor and the office staff because they have been giving me a hard time over an appointment they say I was a no-show for, and I have no recollection of having made the appointment. Still, being on edge today just doesn't make sence.

Fat Doctor Last Night

I had an appointment with my obesity specialist last night. I really like her. She and her staff are just great. I had been disappointed with myself because I didn't lose as much weight as I had hoped that I would this past two weeks. The whole week of Snowcalypse I basically didn't lose any weight at all. Usually, if I am cooking and eating at home instead of restaurants I will lose weight faster. That whole week that snow was on the ground, I had no choice but to eat at home and I stuck to my diet while I did it. When I got back to work after Snowcalypse and was able to weigh myself in the gym, I was hoping to have lost at least 2 pounds during the week. But no, I hadn't lost anything. When I went in last night, I was 3.5 pounds down from my weight 2 weeks ago. Dr. Beasley was pleased, but I was not. She upped my metformin dose, and that has helped with the cravings I was beginning to experience again. I have been trying to console myself with the thought that I'm still (but barely) on track to reach my weight loss goal at the end of the year. I guess I just need to lighten up on myself a bit and follow the plan.

Too Much Snow for the South

This past week has been one for the record books. We received more snow than I have ever seen in the south and I've lived here my whole life. And it couldn't have come at a better time for Lizzie and me. Lizzie was trying to get into Oglethorpe and didn't receive her acceptance letter until January 3rd. She had one week to get everything together and walk in the door. Unfortunately, her bank wasn't going to cooperate. BB&T decided that they needed to hold a cash deposit for 5 days. I've never heard of a bank holding a cash deposit. So if the snow hadn't fallen and kept the school from opening on Monday, she wouldn't have had her fee payment and would have been out of luck. For me, I had an appointment with Dr. S. and I wanted to talk with him about the heart problems that developed in November. I wanted his take on whether the problems could have been caused by the intensity of the AC&T that I was treated with in 2004. I was told on Friday that Dr. S. wouldn't be in the office during the week and I'd have to meet with his PA or his NP. I wasn't thrilled with the idea. Neither of them have the clinical experience that Dr. S. has and neither were employed by the office when I did my chemotherapy. I doubt they would on a moment's notice look up the chemo that I did and only give a generalized statement about the cardiotoxicity of chemotherapy. So since the office was closed all week last week, when I was finally able to reschedule the appointment, I made a point to tell them that I had some concerns that I'd like to talk to Dr. S. about. While it is postponing my appointment for another week, I really don't care. I want to talk to Dr. S.

That being said, the snow this winter has been rediculous! Everyone I know over the age of 25 is crying Uncle. Even UPS, the Postal Service and FedEx suspended service during this storm. We all want this mess to go away and not to come back anytime this decade. The most frustrating thing to me is all the transplanted northerners complaining that the state (city, county, etc.) didn't plow or sand their street. I want to stand up and shout "This is the south. A snow storm like this happens at best every 10 years and there is no reason to have a bunch of equipment sitting around in a barn when on average we don't need it.

One observation that I've made during this week is that my family definately eats a lot. I don't know if it's just that I haven't been cooking on such a regular basis, or if the cold and snow has increased their appetites, but let me tell you, they have put down the food. On Sunday they ate 8 quarts of pintos and ham. On Monday they ate 6 quarts of stew. Tuesday was 4 pounds of chicken parmesian. Wednesday was 6 quarts of Chili. Thursday was 6 quarts of sausage and vegetables and Friday my sister made 3 pounds of barbeque chicken. They ate 4 loaves of bread and 4.5 dozen eggs. This wouldn't be so amazing if we were a family of 10 or so, but there are only 4 of us and besides the eggs, I didn't eat much of that. I am just amazed at the amount of food. In a few minutes, I will be off to Aldi to restock.

Next week will be a return to normal temperatures and I hope that the trend will stick around until, oh say, around April or so.

This is the south y'all and we don't do snow.