Before and After pictures

The first picture was taken of me on Thanksgiving. I had just started seeing Dr. Beasley. Well her diets have been working for me.  As of today, I have lost 25 pounds. Wow, just 75 more to go!

Confession

My brother's cat sleeps outside my room.  He waits for me to leave the door open so he can come in. I wouldn't mind him being in my room, but if he comes in for some reason he pees on my bed. I don't let him in my room. I have already had to replace my mattress. I feel bad for him when I see him sleeping in the hall, but not enough to sleep on a cat pee mattress. My sister's cat sleeps on anything made of cloth in the kitchen. Everything else she pushes off the counters and coughs up hairballs on.  She is a nasty cat. She will puke on anything just because I chased her off of it. I can't stand either one of them. When I see them sleeping I watch them hoping that they aren't breathing. This is an awful truth of my life. Because of them I avoid everything in my home except of my bedroom. I haven't eaten a meal at home in over a month. I don't sit on my own couch. I need to find another living situation and I don't know where to start, or how to handle the guilt when I do. I don't resent my brother or sister, I just wish they were petless...I am an evil person?

Weigh in day

I went to my obesity doctor tonight. I have lost 23.5 pounds. I'm officially down by more than 10% of my body weight and have lost more than a quarter of my goal weight. All of the medical websites tell me that I should be cured of high blood pressure, high cholesterol and diabetes now...NOT!

The Ides of March

Other that this wasn't such a great day for Julius Ceasar, I'm not so sure what the big deal it is, but I have always been told to "beware the ides of March". Actually it hasn't been such a great day for me either. I woke up this morning for the second day in a row with a serious headache. It's been happening a lot lately. The other thing is that I have been having a pain in my right leg just above my ankle. I was hoping it was because of the cold, but the weather is better now and I still have the pain. It has been particularly bad today. I should probably schedule an appointment with Dr. S, but I'm still kind of pissed about the last appointment I had with him. That and I know that he will want a CT scan of it and I'd rather not have expensive tests done right now. I wish I could have an ache or pain or bad blood test and not be sure that it's cancer again. You'd think that with this much time, that fear would ease some. It hasn't. Kind of feels like and anvil hanging over my head.

Of Slaves and Kings

Ok, the uploads of these photos hasn't gone smoothly. But the thought came to me today as I was working on my genealogy. My maiden name is Calvert. As in the Calverts that founded the colony of Maryland. And my son is married to a Dorsey, whose family were slaves...well, even some of my family came here as indentured servants. But it dawned on me tonight me tonight as I was working on my genealogy that these children hailed from both kings and slaves. And yet, we are all who we are on our own right. What we do, what we love, our passions and desires are what will define what we are. What happened to our ancestors, while it impacts the way we think, is not a major determiner of who we are. We have to do that on our own. Maybe I can find a way to convey that my grandchildren.

Today

A decade ago I gave up. A decade ago I sat on the witness stand in a Cherokee County court room and lied to a judge by telling him that I had no hope that my marriage could be restored. Mark 10:27 tells me that "All things are possible with God". It's not the only verse that says that, but at the time I was desperate for my saddness to be put to rest. I wanted it over. Even thoughI believe in my heart of hearts that it might have turned around, if I fought a little harder...If I had just not asked for a divorce...if I had just not have given up. A decade later, it's not over. It's not truly laid to rest and I know now that it will never be because my ex will never be up front with me about the reasons for his decisions. Accept it and move on...that's what I've done for a decade, and it's still not put to rest. The saddness is still a part of me. The anger still remains in me. It remains in my children too. It hampers their judgement at times, and that fuel my further anger. What scares me is that divorce is so common.

Clinical Trial Fail Group

Normally I'm not allowed into clinical trials. Usually they don't want me because of the pre-exisiting heart disease. But I did qualify for the control group of one study talked about here. Apparently I'm part of the fail. The ladies who got the drug rather than the ones of us who were just being observed showed a significant improvement. Damn! Because of my heart, I can't take the drug. But the upside is that I'm not one of the ones who died...yet...not a comforting thought. Weird to read the results. I was hoping for good news. I guess it is good news for someone else.

Fat Tuesday

Lent starts tomorrow and I still have no clue what I'm going to give up. I've thought about all non-work related use of the internet, but it is how I stay in touch with a lot of people that I care about. With an already restricted diet, anything having to do with food is probably not a good idea. Last year I gave up animosity toward a brain dead manager at work. I could do that again, but it would be redundant and I'm sure that Mark would wonder why I'm always nicer to him during Lent. I wonder why I bother to celebrate it. I didn't grow up in a house or a church that celebrated it and the church that I go to now does not celebrate it either. I don't think that I really understand it either. What really is the spiritual purpose of sacraficing something for a limited time if it really isn't working to change you? I mean what do you really gain by giving up chocolate or coffee for 40 days? I wonder if it would be wrong to do something for Lent rather than give something up, like volunteer some where, or pick someone out to encourage everyday? Maybe that's what I'll do, I'll find some good deed to do every day of Lent. And no, I'm not going to blog them because that would be a bit pharisaical.

Shopping Trip

Lizzie came home for the day and we spent some time shopping. And as always, we had to get some shopping done. While we were there we were in the cosmetic isle and came across a display of nail polish appliques. They are cool. Instead of having to paint your nails, you just apply these and your nails have awesome designs that would be costly to do at a salon. But they aren't inexpensive. You can easily buy four bottles of polish for one application, and it is almost as expensive as a basic manicure. But the designs are cool. I'm going to keep them in mind for the next time I want my nails to be awesome. Not that my nails are ever awesome. We stood there for a while talking about the designs we liked and agreeing that the price was more than we'd do for everyday and then Lizzie walked off to the lotion isle. I stood close by for a while looking at the pedicure tools. There were two girls who had been shopping nearby and had been there long enough to hear our conversation. They walked up to the appliques and the one that was explaining what was cool and what was not cool to the other one pointed to the appliques and said, "and those, those are stupid." I couldn't believe it. She's all of twelve. What the hell should she know about make-up? Or was she trying to be a bitch to me? So, laughing to myself, I went to find Lizzie. I walked around the corner and I found why she'd know anything about make-up. It was a display full of kiddie make-up for children by crayola. It was a full line from foundation to eye make-up, to mani-pedi products. I was shocked. Lizzie is only eighteen and the "Barbie" make-up I bought for her was found in the toy department and was obviously meant only for dress-up play. I'm pretty liberal on make-up usage by the young, but why do children need a make-up display? Lizzie and I went back and both of us, in front of the little girls picked out and bought a package of nail appliques. I guess we are cool enough to be stupid.

How do I love thee?

How do I love thee?
Let me count the ways.
I love thee with the
depth and breadth and height my soul can reach,
when feeling out of sight
for the ends of being and ideal grace.

Elizabeth Barrett Browning

This is how I loved him. My father gave me to him. I pledged my life to him. I bore him three children. And if I was given the choice of going through my cancer or through my divorce again, I'd choose the cancer hands down. Still, I sat across from this man at dinner tonight and wondered if he realized that it was 10 years ago that we tore our family apart. He seems so unrepentant, like "well, the kids seem to be doing well" without seeing the effort it took to get them there on their part and on mine after he left. I wanted to scream at him. I wanted to attack him. And all the while I knew it would do no good. If he ever recognized the wrong he'd done, he wouldn't admit it to me. This pitiful corpse of the man that I married never once brought up his new wife's name. He has never talked to his pastor about having an ex wife and a family in Georgia. He almost died in a hospital alone because, well, that I don't understand. I have no clue about what he saw in her to cause him to leave me, or what he clings to make him keep coming back to me...I just know that even though I don't want too, I still love him. Sorry, I started blogging for a place to dump my sorrow and here it is.