October 2010

October 2011

One Year!

October, Lung Health Month

You would think that being Breast Cancer Awareness Month and Sudden Cardiac Arrest Awareness Month would be enough. It's not. It is also Lung Health Awareness Month, and in a few years when the pink ladies can concede the floor, you all are welcome to duel it out for control of the month. But I haven't blogged about this because to be honest, I have a hard time seeing Obstructive Sleep Apnea as a lung disease. There is nothing wrong with my lungs. The problem is with my autonomic nervous system that relaxes my throat too much when I sleep and I strangulate 89 times in an hour. Yes, that is correct. Every 45 seconds I will have been without oxygen for the 10 seconds that it takes for my brain to signal my autonomic nervous system to release epinephrine and wake me up. In other words, not really sleeping at all. And in that time, if you are sleeping anywhere around me, I am probably keeping you awake at the same frequency. At the same time that the epinephrine is waking me up, it is also repeatedly raising my blood pressure and prolonging my QT interval.  Not a good thing for a person with congenital LQTS and hypertension. But the most dangerous thing about the situation is that it lowers my oxygen saturation to 66%. Anything below 95% is critically low. My cardiologist wanted to know why I'm still alive. I was slowly killing myself with sleep or the lack thereof.

Here's the thing, if you snore it is more than a problem for the people around you. You are hurting yourself.  I have not willingly slept with out a CPAP machine since the night that I was diagnosed. Since learning about the quality of sleep that is available with the machine, it is physically painful for me to sleep without it. And you aren't the problem, you aren't willingly keeping other people awake. You aren't causing this problem, but you can cure it and you will benefit the most for remedying it.

Thank You Dove

You are a chocolate after my own heart!

What's in your purse?

It weighs a ton!

Yesterday Kris Reid from Be Still and Know wrote a post about what is in her purse. She'd gotten the idea from another blogger named Abby. I thought it was funny, and I was glad to know that I'm not the only person on the planet who feels compelled to carry one of everything with her at all times. So here I go, this is what is in my purse.


Are you sure you want to read any farther?



1. Green 2011 calendar holding my calendar, 13 old appointment cards, a prescription for Spironolactone, my diet sheet, my medical fact sheet, my Arizona CERTs list, my address book, 2 paper clips, a hand made valentine from my friend Beverly, my department contact list and a paper with the Apostles Creed on it.
(are you sure you want to continue?)
2. Black 2012 calendar holding six pending appointment card and 5 paper clips.
(no, I actually have 8 pending doctor appointments and we aren't even into November yet)
3. My glucose monitor kit containing a monitor, a lancet, a bag of sharps, a stack of alcohol wipes and a bottle of test strips.
3. My wallet
(I would need another post to describe what's in there, really.)
4. A make-up bag containing foundation, liner, mascara, lipstick and a chap stick
(yes, I'm vain enough that it is a necessity.)
5. A glasses case
6. 16 Purell sanitizing hand wipes
7. A bottle of Metformin
8. A small first aid kit containing band aids, aspirin, neosporin, burn cream, Zantac and a nail clipper
9. 3 half used packs of tissues
10. 1 small notebook used to make notes to myself and lists
11. A Kroger coupon for $1.50 off a Hershey Bliss chocolate bar.
(hmm, it doesn't expire until January. I might use it for a Christmas gift.)
12. A prescription for Metformin
13. A small leather pouch holding 7 thumb drives
14. A cross necklace
15. 2 nail files
(you'd think that I'd have great nails...not!)
16. A grey camera bag containing only a SD card
17. A baggie containing fish oil, biotin and vitamin D3 supplements
18. An empty bottle of Jergens Ultra Healing hand cream.
(going into the trash right now)
19. My camera
20. A miniature purple hair brush
(oh! You're still here? I'm impressed
21. 1 elastic head band
22. 5 pony tail holders
23. 1 bottle of fast acting nose spray
24. 3 pens
25. 2 disposable lighters
26. 1 mostly unused bottle of Nitrofurantoin
(my doctor told me to stop taking it)
27. 1 fold up hairbrush
28. 1 bottle of spf 60 sunscreen
29. 1 bottle of Ibuprofen
30. 1 tin of Nivea creme
31. 1 chapstick
32. 1 nail clipper
33. 1 double A battery
34. 4 packs of Truvia
35. 1 invisible hair tie
(ewww! where did that come from?)
36. 1 Kroger coupon for $2 off fish oil
37. 1 magic ear listening device
38. 1 bottle belt clip
39. 1 USB cord
40. 1 iPod Shuttle
41. 1 highlighter pen
42. 1 toe nail clipper
43. 1 flashlight
44. 1 bottle of Metoprolol
45. 1 silicon pack
46. My cell phone
47. My car keys

48. 1 flat head tweezers
49. 1 extra car key

I think after that I need a therapist to find out why I feel I need to be prepared for every given situation possible.

Errands after work

I had several errands to run after work tonight and to make it a chore, I was really tired. So first I headed to the gas station to buy a bit of gas. Have to make sure that I have enough for the work week. For some reason there was a run on the QT. You'd think it was the days after Katrina and the Atlanta area (the upper third of Georgia) because we are under EPA restrictions, could not find an available drop of gas to be had. Then I needed to head to the pharmacy to get three prescriptions filled. This was in addition to the four prescriptions I'd filled online earlier in the day. Pretty soon I should be able to open a pharmacy of my own, unfortunately I won't be able to spare the medications. I need them all. I haven't transferred the prescriptions from the pharmacy to the online company because of loyalty to the pharmacist. When I first was diagnosed with cancer, I had to find a pharmacy that would carry an anti emetic that cost $600 a pop. In the pharmacy that I'd been using the pharmacist yelled at me. The second pharmacy that I went to told me they could order the drug but it would take a week or two to get the drug. This was on Friday and I was scheduled to start chemo on Wednesday. There was only 2 weeks between being diagnosed and starting treatment for me. I was almost in tears when I went into the Kroger pharmacy to see if they could get the drug for me. The pharmacist was so nice. He didn't have it there, but he'd call around to other Kroger stores to see if any of them might have it. He did end up locating the first dose for me and ordered the subsequent doses. After that every time I came in he was so solicitous and kind. He could tell when I was ill or in pain and really put himself out to help me. Last month when I went in he was not there. There was a younger man who was working the pharmacy. I asked him to fill my Bupropion and Metformin prescriptions. When I went to pick them up he said that I had one of the medications filled the week prior. But I knew I needed both medications. He sold them to me anyway. That has never happened before. When I got out to the car and opened the medications I found the mistake. Instead of filling the Metformin he filled my prescription for Metoprolol. I did have that one filled the week before. I was uncomfortable with the situation, but I had to go back inside and get the Metformin filled. It has been a month and I was hoping that Mike, the old pharmacist would be there. He was not. I haven't seen him lately. The new pharmacist was there. I kind of cringed, but asked to have my prescriptions for Metformin, Bupropion and Metoprolol all filled. I didn't want to have any mix up. Then I left to shop for things at Walmart that I needed. I returned around 40 minutes later to find out the new pharmacist didn't have the prescriptions ready. There had been a challenge with one. My previous prescriptions for Bupropion were for SR and this one was for XL. I had to stand there for around 40 more minutes before he got it together. Not only had he not prepared the Bupropion prescription, he hadn't prepared the others and I only had enough Metformin for half of tomorrow. I did kind of a tacky thing. I asked about Mike and was told that Mike was moved to another store that is too far away to consider going too. I'm kind of heart broken, but I guess I need to move the rest of my prescriptions to the online fulfillment center. Boy am I going to hate not having Mike to look after me. After that I dropped off a gift at church and went home bummed and feeling a bit abandoned and there isn't even anything on television worth watching. So here I am, writing about my boring chores. In my perfect world I thought I'd be able to breeze through the gas station, pop into Kroger and then run through Walmart and be done in an hour. Thinking about it now I see how unreasonable my expectations were. You'd think I'd know by now that things get sticky, especially when you are as tired as I am. So, good night all. Sleep tight.

NO NO NOOOO!

They are leaving it up!

Lord, help us.

The picture I first posted has been replaced. The original picture I posted because I wanted to get it taken before the obese man wearing a wife beater and overalls crossed in front of the camera. You should check out peopleofwalmart.com. This picture is much better.

And you are a grown-up?

Seriously, this is how your mother raised you?

Tray, tong and napkin left on the counter after a meeting and never cleaned up by the person who left it there. Coffee mug added by some one else in the afternoon. I guess they think we have a maid.

Medical Tuesday

I got good news at my cardiology appointment this morning. This evening I got equally good news at my weight management appointment. I was told that I have lost the same percentage of weight expected to be lost by a bariatric surgery patient after a year and that I'd lost the same BMI percentage. Wow! and I didn't have surgery. My friends who had surgery still had to diet, but I did it with diet only and no surgery. Wow! I didn't lose as much as I'd hoped over the year, but I don't feel that I failed.

Cardiology Tuesday

I'm at Dr. K's office and so far everything looks good. The nurse had a difficult time getting an ecg reading which had me a little worried that something wasn't quite right. But after glancing at the reading, I didn't see anything that appeared out of the ordinary other than I didn't see any inverted T waves. L, the NP came in and said that the reading looked good to her, so now I'm waiting for the QT interval to be corrected using the Bazette equation, and then talk with Dr. K Then hopefully I'm out of here for at least 6 months, if not a year. It's not really that I mind coming here. I just hate that I have so many appointments that I go to. So I'm crossing my fingers that everything is fine and that I can cross this appointment off the list.
_______________________________________________________________
So Dr. K did come in and remarked that I had no inverted T waves today, but added that they would return at another time. He said that everything is fine but still wants to see me in 6 months. Oh well, I really would like a year, but I guess my heart is just to finicky for that. At least there wasn't anything new today.

He also asked me again if I would go to Weight Watchers, and I replied no, but I am seeing an obesity specialist. I explained that almost everyone who loses weight with Weight Watchers gains it back in between sessions. That's really not where I want to go. He was happy that I am seeing Dr. B. It kind of upset me a little that 48 pounds in less than a year isn't good enough, but I do have almost 30 more to go. I just think losing it slowly is better than fad dieting it away and putting it right back on. However, I do wish that eating healthy was easier. I am trying to force myself to eat lunch and they only had a couple of things today that were carbless. This tastes as bad as it looks. I need to start bringing my lunch again.

Three Day Atlanta Update

2800 walkers donated 6.5 million dollars for research, diagnostic and awareness for breast cancer.  6.5 million! Thank you pink ladies

Sad Money

My friend asked if I'd run the tech equipment during the memorial service for her husband's sister. This is a couple that are close friends and have had my back on many occasions.  When you are a single mother with multiple chronic conditions life would be impossible without friends like them, and I have been blessed with quite a few. Of course I'd do it. Not a problem. But after the service this afternoon they gave me an envelope with a Visa gift card that has quite a bit of money on it. I'm kind of sad that they didn't know that they didn't have to give me this. I was happy to do it for them. And I'm sure that whatever I buy with this money will always be a sad thing for me. So after staring at it for quite a long time, I decided to give it to my Compassion International child as a present. Estefani's family will welcome the money and not associate it with anything sad. It will make me very happy that the money is going for something good. This feels like the right thing to do.

The Blame Game

“Third party payors (insurance companies and governments) reimburse for procedures performed rather than out-comes achieved, and patients bear little responsibility for the cost of the health care services they demand”                                                                       Harvard Business Review, Sept. 2011 The Big Idea

Let’s examine that statement for a minute, because I have seen and heard it for a while and it is base on a false assumption. I work for a Fortune 100 company and they provide excellent benefits, it’s part of my total compensation package. In other words, it is how I get paid. Part of the benefits I receive, as part of my compensation, is excellent health insurance. The company that I work for pay two thirds of the cost of the insurance policy. The other third comes out of my pay check in weekly installments. But because this is part of my total compensation (how I get paid) I am really the one who works for this coverage. I am responsible for it’s costs. Furthermore, money gets taken out of my paycheck every week to fund Medicare and Medicaid. So it isn’t the government who is funding these insurances. That money is coming from me and all the other taxpayers in America. We bare the responsibility for the costs of that coverage.  I would really like to see the lie that we demand health care, but expect someone else to cover its cost die a quick death. I need health care and I am responsible for its costs, so I pay for insurance by working.

Last Night - A date night seeing 50/50

I was at the gym with Jim, my workout buddy, last night and about to leave when he asked me what I was planning for the evening. I told him that I had been thinking about seeing the movie 50/50. He seemed a little hurt when he asked why I hadn't asked him to go. Well, the first thing is that I thought he would think it was a chick flick. And well, I was ambivalent about seeing the movie at all. I didn't know if I'd be weepy or disgusted by it and I really didn't want to justify that to anyone. Still, he wanted to go so I met him at the theater.

The movie was more dead on than I could have imagined it would be. It is obvious that the person who wrote the screen play had been around the cancer block a time or two. The only unrealistic thing that I could pick up out of the movie was the scene where Kyle was putting neosporin on Adam's surgical site and Adam complained that Kyle had used his finger. If it was a real surgical site, Adam wouldn't have been able to feel anything at all and would not know Kyle had used a finger instead of a que-tip. Everyone,  including Jim was finding things humorous, and I guess the dialog was funny at times. But having felt the emotion behind that kind of gallows humor, it left me near tears.

During the movie, Jim kept asking me if this was right or if things like that happen. And I had to keep telling him the movie was dead on. That is exactly what it is like. After the movie Jim wanted to go to Starbucks and talk about it. I knew it was a bad idea, but I went any way. While we were there Jim said, "You talk about when you had cancer, but you never talk about what it was like." and I think maybe he is right. It is right because I could never find the words to express what it was like. I had so many wonderful people who stood with me through my cancer, but in too many ways, I was all alone in this fight. You can never understand what it is like to sit in a room and have someone you have never seen before tell you that you have cancer until that happens. I really wonder if Jim and I understood the same things about the movie.

I love Jim, he has been a true friend for many years. While I was going through cancer he was going through a very rough time himself. That didn't stop him from reaching out to me and trying to relate to me and try to keep me in life. I think that we knew each other's struggles that year, we are in some ways brought closer to each other.

I would say, go see the movie. But if you are a survivor, don't go with someone who has never faced cancer.

Breast Cancer Headlines

Fox 5 News:  "The things you can do right now to lower your chances of breast cancer"
Me: "Become or a man or die at 39?"

Everything else, you can add it all up and you won't even touch the risk factors this presents. Your greatest risk of developing breast cancer is being a woman over the age of 40.

Think about it, your greatest risk are two things you can't control.

Do you really want us to stop painting the world pink for the next 5-10 years that it takes to obtain the cure? It's not your decision. We are going to cure this thing.

Annual Flu Shot Rant

OK, it's time for my annual flu shot rant. Let's face it, everyone knows that "I got the flu shot, and then I got sick as a dog with the flu" is a lie. You are making a fool of yourself when you use that ruse. The people who are saying that themselves know you are lying, because they are too. And the responsible people who get the flu shot know you are too. We get it every year, it has never once made us ill. You are making a fool out of yourself. Just own up and say "I am a needle wuss as long as it doesn't cover the dozen tattoos that I have. I don't want to see my doctor, maybe because I owe him money. Or maybe, I'm just too selfish to give up the five minutes it takes to get the shot...or better yet, I'm a Drama Queen and I want you to feel sorry for me when I'm sick as a dog for two weeks." But seriously, I know you are lying when you tell me that the dead flu virus that they inject you with gave you the flu. That would mean that I'd have to believe that a baseline organism raised itself from the dead and infected you with the flu. The virus isn't Jesus Christ. It has no power over death. The virus they inject you with is dead. It is just so that your immune system will recognize the DNA as foreign and attack any live virus that you may come in contact with. The other infallibility that you are asking me to believe, and I really don't, is that your immune system is so impaired that it is weaker than mine. Really now? I had advanced breast cancer. They took out all my cancerous axillary lymph nodes and nuked the mammary and supraclavical ones. I do not have an immune defense to fight off anything. Do you have AIDS or something? Really now?  Don't lie to me. Just tell me you are a wuss.

Oh yeah, and I have been told that lie so many times I am not even nice about it anymore. I think we encourage the behavior by being polite and pretending to believe the liars. Come on now y'all, they know they are lying. We have a duty to nail them to a wall. So I did.  Yes, you heard that right. This dyed in wool, true southern GRITS nailed the idiot to the wall. Today I was in a Health and Safety Committee meeting discussing the results of our recent flu shot drive when one of our own members tried to use that line on us. Say what? I wasn't sure I was hearing correctly. Did Toby just say that the dead flu virus made him ill? Oh hells no! I'm not letting this one go. He's with my people now. So I nailed him to the wall in front of the whole committee. Maybe not such a good idea since he is head of the corporate security department. Still, really? You are going to try that lie in front of the committee that knows the truth and expect us to just be polite about it? Seriously? Not going to happen Toby. We are the ones called to stand up to that lie. GET YOUR FLU SHOT AND STOP INFECTING THE PEOPLE YOU WORK AROUND AND THE ONES THAT YOU LOVE! It's that simple. Do you really think that we are sympathetic when we have to hear your hacking cough for two weeks or have to move away from you in a meeting? Give us a break. GET YOUR FLU SHOT! It's free. It doesn't really hurt and the chance of a negative side affect is astronomically low. GET THE SHOT!!!!!

Oh yeah, and quit pretending that you are anemic and sign up for the blood drive too. You will save lives and we will give you cookies.

Sudden Cardiac Arrest Can Happen to Anyone

This is why I always take LQTS seriously:

Teacher's Quick Actions Save Girl, 12 After Collapse

Kylee Shea,12, is back at school, just two weeks after she passed out while walking in the hallway. Kylee blacked out and fell to the floor, heart stopped

Birds have wings because they were meant to fly

There is a  bird that lives in a cage inside a nice house. He doesn't lack for anything; he is given everything  he needs, except his freedom.  He will probably benefit from his imprisonment by living a much longer life than he would otherwise. But this bird is the meanest thing on the planet, except for maybe the two cats who wait day and night for a chance to devour him. The cats aren't mean because they want to eat the bird, they are mean and selfish by their peculiar nature. They only care for each other and that is on a conditional basis. They enjoy their comfy perches, taking advantage of their clean litter box and regular meals without ever giving her any sign of affection. The bird doesn't show her any affection either, but why should he? She has imprisoned him in this cage and exposes him to companions who wish for his demise. Yes, she lets him out of the cage everyday to flit too and fro in the sun room, but he never gets to soar. He has never known anything but the cage and the sun room, but inside of himself he feels that his wings were meant for greater things. His body aches and yearns to find out what it is. So in his frustration, he dives and pecks at her and the cats. His anger seethes inside him every day he is in the cage. He does not love her and probably never will. If I opened the doors and let him outside, he would surely take flight and be gone. It wouldn't matter to him that he knows nothing about finding food or shelter or keeping himself safe from predators. He longs for his freedom. He will give up his life to be able to soar in open skies. The cats on the other hand, if shooed out the door may chase a frog or climb a tree. But when it's time for that regular meal or a nap on the perch they will be crying at the door. Not because they love her, but because they know they have an easy life and wish to keep it. And she, she is giving her life away to things that can never love her. Birds have wings because they were meant to fly. Cats make themselves comfortable because they know how to survive. She was meant to be loved, but love for her is impossible to find. She's looking in the wrong places.

       

Mountain Weekend

Lizzie at 57th Fighter Group Restaurant

I took Friday off from work to head up to the mountains for the annual fall retreat. But before I could get started it was necessary to replace my rear passenger side tire, pick Lizzie up to take her out to lunch and to get a flu shot and pick up a new water reserve for my cpap machine. It took more time than I wanted it too. I was able to get started on my way around 2:00. I had told my sister that I was leaving for the weekend to go to the mountains. I don't get phone reception there so if she needs to contact me I could be reached by Facebook. Shortly after I lost the ability to call, I was notified that I have voice mail messages. Since I couldn't call my voice mail, they would have to wait until I went into one of the towns during the afternoon the following day. I got to the retreat center around 4:30 and began setting up the audio-visual equipment for the evening's meeting. And I began to relax. I truly enjoy the retreat, even when I'm working and speaking at it. I was glad that my segment wasn't scheduled until mid-morning on Saturday. It gave me the night and early morning to read over and study my notes. The retreat was mostly a good time. I knew that the retreat center isn't very responsive to special diets and tends to serve a lot of high carb foods, so I took things that I could eat if nothing else was available. But beyond that all went well. I enjoyed a weekend with people that I really enjoy.

Path at the retreat center

I left this morning before the group because I needed to get the equipment back to the church so it could be used in the Sunday school worship service. I was glad to be traveling alone. It gave me time to meditate on the retreat. I had been disappointed on Friday when I went up because the leaves have only barely begun to turn. I was hoping to get some picture, and really, just surround myself in them. Saturday morning was a little brisk, and as a result the leaves changed a bit more and I enjoyed some time in the late afternoon walking around on the paths surrounding the retreat. It was peaceful, but instead of being totally surrounded by the beauty around me, I was reviewing the morning segment in my head and conversations that
I'd held and many other thoughts and memories. Even on the way home, I spent the first little bit of the drive with my mind whirling around things that have passed and things that I need to do, not noticing the wonder around me. Then I rounded a bend where the leaves on the trees covering the road had changed, and a mountain was in the middle of the view, and I was brought completely into the moment. I realized that had been missing from my life for a long time. I wonder when I lost that ability. I have so many memories as a child of playing on a swing over a lake, or watching a sunrise from the backseat of a station wagon and being so absorbed in the moment, it feels like I could reach out and touch it now. The ocean had that ability with me. When I was in college, I would go out on the beach and blend into the beauty and power of the surf to get away from the stresses of classes and dorm life. I remember many moments like that with my boys, but only a very few with Lizzie. I wonder when I became so distracted that life happens inside my head and not in the surroundings that I am actually in. I so need to get that ability back. So I tried to focus on what was in my environment and not on the thoughts inside my head. It is harder than I imagined it should be. I think I need to take a break for a few minutes for a while to try to get that ability back.                                                                

Sudden Cardiac Death Awareness Month

It is National Breast Cancer Awareness Month. It is hard not to notice it. Everywhere you go you are accosted with pink ribbons. The breast cancer awareness initiatives have been so very positive that many other health advocates, especially those for other types of cancer aren't ashamed to spew their jealousy. As if their derogatory attitudes was going to stop the movement. Hey people, in a few years we might well have a prevention and a cure. If you think we are going to fold up our pink tee shirts and put our athletic shoes away now, you are sadly mistaken. We won't move over until mammogram machines are a thing of the past.


Still, while breast cancer is getting it's yearly pep rally going, another cause that is near and dear to my heart is trying to get it's message out this month. Congress has declared October as Sudden Cardiac Death Awareness Month. It honestly isn't getting a lot of attention. If I hadn't set a reminder of myself, even I might not know this. So when I was looking for information on this I found this site that discusses the issue of Sudden Cardiac Death.

"More than 250,000 deaths occur each year as a result of sudden cardiac arrest (SCA). In fact, SCA claims one life every two minutes, taking more lives each year than breast cancer, lung cancer or AIDS. To decrease the death toll from SCA, it is important for the U.S. public to understand what SCA is, what the symptoms and warning signs are and how to respond and prevent SCA from occurring."  Heart Rhythm Online

Most people have heard stories of the athlete who collapses on the playing field and can't be revived. A lot of people have stories of family members who died suddenly, but refer to the death as being caused by a massive heart attack. This is actually my families favorite explanation. But almost nobody takes it very seriously. People just don't seem to know what puts them at risk for it. For me, the thing that puts me most at risk is having a genetic predisposition, but there are other things that can put a person at risk for SCA including:

• Coronary artery disease
• High blood pressure
• Diabetes
• Smoking
• High cholesterol
• Obesity
• Excessive alcohol use
• Drug abuse
• Stress
• Family history of heart disease
• Advancing age
• Certain medications, dietary supplements and herbal remedies
• Obstructive Sleep Apnea

Still, even in medical communities, there just doesn't seem to be much awareness or concern about SCA. I have written of many occasions that my doctors want to demur the risk to me of SCA. To them it becomes unimportant when it gets in the way of a treatment that they feel I might benefit from or a pill they would like me to take. So, nice that SCA now has a month. Too bad it will get pinked off the map. It is unfortunate because if there was a real awareness campaign for it maybe I wouldn't have to fight so hard to get my medical teams to take it seriously.

Pink Month

a peek at me.

My life was divided into sections.  BC and AD took on new meaning; before cancer and after diagnosis.  There were many divides and sections before and a few after, but this by far is the greatest.  This is the Tsunami that rained through my life.  In the midst of the storm I found God's presences as He has always been in my life. I found more grace and love than I'm deserving of.  I found hope.

This is what I wrote on a web page that I created shortly after my treatments for cancer were over. I haven't been to that website in a long time, and I had actually forgotten what I wrote. I look at it now and I'm surprised by it. I saw that so much more clearly then than I do now. Some things should not be forgotten. I should not forget the close presence of God, the grace, the love and the hope that I was experiencing then. I look back now and I remember the sickness, the struggle to cope, but I rarely think about the good that came with my illness. I wish the blog posts that I wrote through my illness hadn't become the victim of a hacker. I wish that I could go back now and read them. 

Ok, I will admit that three posts in one day is excessive, but this is crazy. When I was a child I was pissed because a hurricane would never  be named after me. After all, "I'm a little prairie flower, growing wilder every hour. Nobody cares to cultivate me. I'm as wild as wild can be." Since I really am an eastern shore GRITS, I should have a hurricane named after me. But it would never happen, because my real name isn't emmy and it falls in the middle of the alphabet. Much too late to have an active storm named after me...right? Not so, in 2003, after my cheating ex moved to Morehead City, a late hitting storm was named after me was aiming at the shore near his new home. At first it looked like it might become a category 3 or 4 storm, but then lost steam and came ashore on Atlantic Beach as a tropical storm. Ex's first hurricane season on the shore was named after me. Still, I do wish it could have been at least a category 2 or 3...no, I really wished that it would have been a 4 or 5 so it would have displaced him. It was what it was and it hit him. So imagine how surprised I was tonight when I was watching the news and heard that hurricane Ophelia, a category 4 storm is heading for the Bahamas. A late season storm. Dang, couldn't I have been more than a tropical storm? I hope that the storm will lose force and not hit the islands as a hurricane.
 

I think I must be shrinking

I think I must be shrinking. I heard today was going to be cooler than normal. I thought what they meant was that it was going to be in the low 70's, so I dressed in capris with a mid length sleeve shirt and my favorite sandals and headed out for breakfast at Cracker Barrel. When I first stepped out of the house, I knew I wasn't dressed for the weather, but I thought that, like any fine fall day, it would get warmer. It didn't. In fact it didn't even get into the low 60's. I had some errands to run before I headed north to my friends annual fall pig roast. I kept hoping it would get warmer, but as it approached time for the party I realized that I was woefully under-dressed and needed to do something about it. So I stopped in a store and bought a pair of jeans, a pair of loafers and a shawl for the afternoon. I changed in their bathroom, and was glad to have one pair of pants that actually fit...well almost. See, after losing 48 pounds this past year, all my fall and winter clothes are waaaaaay to big. I literally have nothing to wear. So I didn't really feel bad about the wastefulness of buying new clothes because I didn't dress properly. I can honestly claim to need these clothes. But here's the kicker, I've not only lost horizontally, I've seem to have lost vertically too. The petite size pants that I bought are dragging the ground. What's next? Am I going to have to buy my clothes from the husky kids racks? I wonder if I'm even 5 feet tall any more. Maybe I should have my doctor re-measure me when I go in.  Ummmm, if I've lost height that means that my BMI went back up by default....Dang!

Oh well, the pig roast was wicked fun even if there was no pig this year. The chicken was fantastic. And I have one pair of jeans to wear to the women's retreat next weekend. Hope the leaves will change by then so I can get some fall pictures.

Nightmare before Christmas

The first thing that I saw after work on Friday was this. I just have to say that this is wrong on so many levels I don't even know where to begin. As I was walking up to the store I prepared to take a picture of the tree and bitch complain how it is just too early to be seeing Christmas. Geez! Let us get through Halloween first. Then as I got closer my worst fear was realized. Someone is having a Nightmare before Christmas. I wonder if next month they are going to hang miniature turkeys and pumpkin pies on it...Hey, Christmas is coming. You might as well just leave it up. I think that my brother would kill me if I even suggested that maybe we should do this at home. And we thought that the Walmart customers were weird, it starts on the inside. I think someone there had just a little too much break time on their hands. Back to your registers!