Brenda Kramer

My friend Brenda Kramer died yesterday of Ovarian Cancer. We have known for a few weeks that this was coming. She's been in hospice care since the first of November. Still its sad and it's shocking. She went through so much to try to stay alive. Now she is alive in Christ.

Flu Shot Today

I was driving by the health department today and saw a sign that they were giving H1N1 shots today and tomorrow. I went in and it took about five minutes to get the paperwork done and the shot. It only hurt a little. Now I'm supposedly safe from the flu. So why is it that I'm still hanging back from touching things in public places? It doesn't even make sence because H1N1 is airborne. When Lizzie comes home, I'm taking her over to get her flu shots too.

More about Sammy

I didn't realize that this would affect me so deeply. Yesterday I wasn't able to talk about it. Today it is difficult. I am weepy. I woke up yesterday and it was apparent that Sammy wasn't going to make it. I don't think that he was in pain, but just disturbed by not being able to move around. As the day went on he got weaker and weaker. He died around 12:30. Cheryl, Ken and I buried him in the back yard. This morning Toni and Tawna had a plant and a card for me. I started to cry again, and I've been sad all day. Driving home, I didn't even want to go in the house because he wouldn't be there. His bed and his bowls are still out. I'm going to clean everything up this weekend. Maybe it will be easier for all of us once things are put away.

Good Bye

Sammy died this morning.

Good bye

You are missed.

Do you spell Klutz with a K or a C?

Lizzie had her Fuddraiser, and she did alright. The evening was fun, many of her friends showed up and she raised around $400 for Cherokee Family Vilence Center. The only problem was that while I was picking up my Buffalo burger, I slipped on the floor and sprained my ankle. Always full of grace. So I was embarrased and spent the evening sitting in the booth with a bag of ice. They have these great round booths at Fuddruckers and we were in one. With everyone else being more mobile than I am I ended up in the center of the booth. It is not a good feeling for me, but I was able to reign in my anxiety and enjoy the evening. It taught me a little about my claustrophobia...I don't have to let it rule me. It makes me a little uncomfortable, but if I refuse to allow it to control me I can deal with it. And while I was thinking these thoughts, another thought occurred to me. I wonder if depression works the same way. I wonder if I acknowledge that it is making me uncomfortable but refuse to allow it to control me if I can control it.

My son showed up and we closed the evening out with him. It was good to see him again. We worked on plans to get the car over to our house.

When we left the restaurant, I was able to walk on my ankle and was glad that it wasn't so bad, but later that night when I got up to go to the bathroom I couldn't walk on my ankle any more. Yesterday I called into work and went to my doctor. He x-rayed it and told me that it wasn't broken, and that when it was more comfortable I could put weight on it. On my way home I was feeling a little sorry for myself because my ankle was now messing up my weekend plans and it hurt. Then I saw a new place that I'd never seen before. It's called Yogli-Mogli. I went in and this may be the breaker for any diet that I may ever wish to go on. It is low fat all natural frozen yogurt and it is the best! I had a cup with half dark chocolate and half pumpkin pie yogurt. I have been telling myself all day that I can't go all the way across the city to get more. But I don't know how well that discipline will work when I'm at work and the shop is just down the street. May they never build one of those in Woodstock!

I woke up this morning and my ankle is much better. I'm able to put weight on it again.

Anthony Paul Mason

He had a rough night last night, but at 11:47 pm he finally made it. I hope that on the other side of the world his father is seeing this photo too.

Babylon Again

By the rivers of Babylon we sat and wept when we remembered Zion.
There on the poplars we hung our harps,"
Psalm 137:1,2

Matt left for Iraq yesterday. He is probably waking up today in Ireland and then on to Mosul. Another year for us to live with the fear that he won't come home. What can I say about it...Jonah should have stayed in the whale!

Dumbfounded

Yesterday I was in the gym working out and out of the blue this guy walks up to me and asks me if I'm going to walk the 3-Day this year.  I was dumbfounded.  I don't think that I'd ever seen the guy before, but apparently he'd seen me wearing a Race for the Cure Survivor shirt.  Then he told me his wife died of breast cancer last year.  I honestly didn't know what to say.  I told him that I was sorry to hear that his wife died of the disease, and we talked about the 3-Day for a while.  I told him that when I walked it in 2006 that less than 10% of the walkers were survivors.  Most of the walkers were daughters or sisters or granddaughters.  A few were just people who were walking it for other reasons.  During the whole walk, I personally met less than 10 other survivors, and I talked to everyone around me.  It disturbed me to my core that this has become so much of what I am that others notice.  But sometimes, like with this man it seems to help people when I talk to them about it.  Today he came up to me and introduced himself.  He is Doug. 

 

Raining

It's raining again. It's raining really hard and I wonder if all those people on the TV all week who have been breaking my heart with their losses are being frustrated in their efforts to clean their already flooded out homes. Earlier this week every river and creek in the city flooded. It caused major damage everywhere. The house that I'm living in now stayed dry, but the house that I grew up in was flooded by Nancy Creek and the apartment that I lived in when I was diagnosed with cancer was completely under water. People who live in those apartments are already barely holding on to having a home, so the loss of the apartments is an overwhelming blow. One lady that I have heard of, a friend of a friend, lost her job in January. Her husband died of colon cancer in march, and now her home is a mess from being flooded by Sweetwater Creek. We were planning on having a cleaning party for her today, but it's being rained out. Officials are warning that Sweetwater Creek will flood again. I'm hoping that it doesn't reach her house. The more I hear, the more I wonder how you recover from such devastation. This poor woman has no money, no job and now no home. Where does she go?

I wish it would quit raining.

This meme is for Kerri

This meme is for Kerri Sparling, because I read all the way to the end of hers.

1. The illness I live with is: Good question because I have a list of about 16 of them. But because This is The Pink Tee Shirt blog, I guess I'll talk about Breast Cancer.
2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: 2004
3. But I had symptoms since: It's hard to tell. Having gone through a divorce and having had a son who participated in the invasion of Iraq, I'd been under mega stress for about 5 years preceding finding the lump in my breast. I attributed all the fatigue and lack of well being that I was experiencing to that.
4. The biggest adjustment I've had to make is: To come to terms with the way that my body looks now and the limitations that have been caused by the treatments I underwent
5. Most people assume: That because it doesn't run in their family they aren't at risk for breast cancer. The truth is that the biggest risk factor for breast cancer is being a woman over 40. Women younger do get breast cancer, and so do men. But the vast majority of survivors are women over 40.
6. The hardest part about mornings are: Well, I'm just not an early morning person.
7. My favorite medical TV show is: St. Elsewhere...does that date me?
8. A gadget I couldn't live without is: My port-a-cath. I don't actually have it anymore. But when I was doing chemo it was a god-send.
9. The hardest part about nights are: That I still experience a lot of fatigue and I get home from work with no energy.
11. Regarding alternative treatments: I found it a bit insulting that for the most part tradidtional medicine phoo-phoo's alternative medicine, but when it comes to cancer, all the brochures they give you advise that you take up navel gazing and basket weaving as a "complementry treatment". I felt like the hat tip to the treatments was a way of saying "you only stand a small chance of surviving this anyway, so do whatever you want." If I ever told a doctor that I wanted to treat a head cold with essiac tea, I'd probably be scoffed out of the office.
12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: Kerri said "These choices suck. I'd rather not have any illness, thank you very much." and I totally agree with her. In a way breast cancer isn't really invisable when you are in the middle of treatment. It's hard not to be able to pick the pale bald lady sporting a pink ribbon bandana out of the crowd. And having it so very apparent to everyone was very hard emotionally. So I experienced the visible illness. Now that so much time has passed, my friends and co-workers forget that I have lasting limitations. So I'm experiencing invisable illness from it now. I'd much rather go back to the days when I thought that breastfeeding 3 babies would give me immunity.
13. Regarding working and career: For my situation, it makes all of the time I have to spend at doctor appointments and getting tests much easier if I just am upfront about it with the people I work with. They are much more forgiving of my absences, knowing the reason.
14. People would be surprised to know: That having cancer does not make me brave or courageous at all.
15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: Accepting the way my body looks now.
16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: Well, survive it in the first place.
17. The commercials about my illness: are way too sappy.
18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: Bowling. It makes my arm swell, and I don't have enough strength in my arm to do it anymore.
19. It was really hard to have to give up: the self perception of being strong and healthy. 20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: Karioke...but breast cancer really didn't have anything to do with that.
21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: Some days I do feel normal, but what is normal now isn't the same as before I was diagnosed.
22. My illness has taught me: Who the people who really love me are.
23. One thing people say that gets under my skin is: "Five years! So you're cured now, right?" Breast cancer is different from other cancers in this respect. It can return, even decades later. There is no point of time that I can claim a cure.
24. But I love it when people: Fund raise for breast cancer organizations on behalf of their mothers or grandmothers. It shows me that there is a person who really loves their family
25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: the 23rd Psalm
26. When someone is diagnosed I'd like to tell them: that this is survivable, and they won't go through it alone
27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: that people want to blame me for my disease. Like if I got breast cancer because I was too fat or because I drank more than 1 beer a day or microwaved my food in plastic, maybe they could avoid doing whatever it is and be safe.
28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn't feeling well was: take me into their home and took care of me like I was family.
29. I'm involved with Invisible Illness Week because: I am late for it this year, so I guess I didn't really get involved
30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: a little frightened that I've offended you by something I said, or worse by something I failed to say.