Lent and Department Meetings

It's Lent. It caught me by surprise this year. It was Fat Tuesday before I knew it was here. I was unprepared. I had no idea what to give up this year. Last year I felt guilty because I couldn't think of anything meaningful to give up, so I went with everyone's fallback...chocolate. This year, there is something that has been bothering me and I think it stems from the move I just made. I have been shocked at the amount of things I have that are useless and I just didn't care about. Some of it I bought as decoration for whatever. But then there are those things that someone somewhere gave me and I can't remember where I got it and I don't even particularly like it. I certainly don't pay any attention to it. Not even to the point of wondering why it is in my house.

Since I have moved I have spent quite a bit of money buying things that I've seen that I think would be good in my new place. The problem is that these are impulse expenditures. They aren't things that I have thought out and planned for. I can convince myself that I need these things, but it has occurred to me that they are just more of the junk that I have just hauled off to the local Goodwill store, just in different form.

I have decided that for this Lent season I will give up impulse buying. If it isn't a budget item or an unplanned necessity, I don't buy it. The trick is deciding what is a budget item and what is an unplanned necessity. I was in the grocery store this evening to pick up some mushrooms for the dish that I wanted for dinner tonight and a bottle of wine. While I was there I had to be aware of what was just grocery shopping, thus a budgeted item and what was an impulse buy. Like is that flat of off season strawberries just groceries or is it an impulse. I think to complete this Lent season I'm going to have to make menus and shopping lists to be successful. Food isn't an impulse buy. But the candy bar that you buy at the counter or the item that you buy just because it's on sale is. Where do I draw the line? I have decided that I can have a cheap bundle of flowers a week because it makes me feel good, and makes my home beautiful. I think this is a budgeted item. But it isn't a necessity. It is just something to make me feel better. Is it an impulse buy?

To say the least, I think it will be an interesting and fruitful Lent season for me.

Dr. R

I saw Dr. R this morning. He wants me to consider 2 different new medications. One that I'd never heard of before called Qsymia is off the plate because both of the medications in it cause QT prolongation. The second isn't so easy to dismiss. It's called Victoza. Beyond it's unaffordable price, it has some questionable side effects such as potential for thyroid cancer. All the medications that I take have some questionable side effects, but most of them don't include a possibility of cancer. The word cancer catches my attention...I can get past the fact that it is injectable. I can get past a lot of the side effects. But I can't get past the fact that it could potentially cause cancer in an area of my body that is already susceptable to cancer because of radiation.

The word Cancer is just too powerful...

It's Late

I'm sitting under the covers on my bed with three pairs of socks on my feet and my thick winter bath robe on. I am tired of winter. I don't think I can do it any more. I need to see more of this and less cold gray.

My Reynauds is getting much worse. There have been several times this year that I've lost all circulation to my fingers and toes, including tonight.

I see Dr. R tomorrow and will have to try to explain why I've all but given up on my diet and blood pressure control. I'm really just over done on everything I think. I do have an appointment with an endocrinologist next week, but my expectations are so very, very low.

If I could be warm again, if I could see colors again, I think that I might be better. Spring in Atlanta is so pretty, it is easy to get distracted by it and forget to feel negative things. One more cold snap and maybe it will be done, at least for a long while.

I should be happy. I'm in a better place. I can see that my brother and sister will be fine without me. But it is still so very cold.

Tomorrow I will  tell Dr. R how frustrated I am with my health and how it is sapping my will to do anything else to make it better. I will try to get a better...I don't know what. I can't say I think I could walk away with a better attitude.

It's late. I should go to bed.

Back on the Wagon

In the year since Dr. B left, I have totally abandoned the diet she had me on. I keep trying to get myself back on it to no avail. The diet is restrictive, but I really do feel much better when I'm on it. I want to feel better, but I just don't have my heart in it.

I've also fallen off the wagon where this blog is conserned. I sit at the computer and just can't come up with words to write. And when I do write, I worry about how it will be perceived. I have been told that my writing is so negative. Well yeah, my point isn't to be uplifting. This is the place I unload a lot of the irony I see around me. I wonder why it bothers me how other people see what I write about. I mean, my blog. I make the rules, right? Anyway, it's a creativity killer.

I need to finish moving. This past week I haven't been able to convince myself to do anything at all after work.

So jump back on the wagon kid, you have a lot of work to do...

Where is the Line

Jack was at school and playing on the playground with his friends. He fell from the monkey bars and managed to dislodge a tooth. Fortunately the tooth was ready to come out. There wasn't a blood bath to deal with. Unfortunately with a hemophiliac losing a tooth isn't that simple. Tim had to take him to the pediatric dentist who is familiar with the condition to acertain that all was well. It was, Jack was lucky this time.

However, Tim was deeply disturbed. Who allows a hemophiliac to climb to the top of the monkey bars anyway? Tim and Jen have made a point of not bubble wrapping him, but where do you draw the line? I've been letting this one sit for a while, trying to wrap my mind around all the angles of it.

Jack is a child. He has hemophilia, but he still is a child. I don't think it would be wise or fair to put the onus on him to protect himself from these kinds of accidents. But would it be wise for a teacher (or parent) to be there to call him back from every opportunity to fall down. Would it be healthy (mentally or physically) for the activities of playing with his friends to be curtailed? 

I'm having trouble with this one. I wouldn't let him run with scissors, or even cut his own meat with a sharp knife. But would I have called him down off the monkey bars when that is where all his friends are playing? For now they are playing on swings and bikes and monkey bars. But what happens in a few years when they are playing football or basketball? The thought makes me sad. So is calling him down from the monkey bars essentially different than telling him that football just isn't his game?

I guess it's the same as the parent that has to decide how much is too much for their diabetic child, but seeing Tim and Jen and Jack have to navigate those waters just feels wrong. 

Real Talk from Breast Cancer Survivors

"N asked me to let everyone know that, while she is doing fairly well now, her oncologist recently told her that the breast cancer has metastasized into her brain. She will be receiving radiation therapy in hopes of reducing the size of the tumor and hopefully, controlling some of the pain. She will be receiving in-home hospice care from now on."

"I found a new lump before Christmas and the biopsy is positive. Had a port installed to receive chemo....again. The lump grew fast and wild, they rather start the chemo before any surgery. God i hate this disease. And i'm tired of crying about it."

"Please pray for my dear friend, D. She goes in for an ultrasound this afternoon to see if she has BC."

"Just got a call from the Cancer Center. I guess my doctor wants me to have one more genetic test. Since I had two instances of Lobular Cancer they want to rule out Lynch Syndrome. Read all about it: http://ghr.nlm.nih.gov/condition/lynch-syndrome"

"Do you ever get tired of being the BC happy poster kid?"
    "Yup. Tired. Tired of the PTSD. Tired of check ups. Tired of runs, walks, pink shit. Tired that it    follows me around like a cloud. Tired that I think this I it and it will never go away and that this is my life."
    " I am tired of being associated with it as well. I am not just a survivor of bc but am a woman with a whole life that has nothing to do with bc.. I am tired of having to think about it every day, tired of the way it has changed me and very tired of the PTSD as well ....."

"Early this morning we had a call from the son of a good friend of mine in Ohio. My friend passed away last night from cancer. I had no clue. This afternoon I got a Christmas card from her. This is really hard for me to process."

"Friends, I have very sad news. Barb died earlier today. Barb was jp in BCO Chat. I was lucky enough to meet Barb on several occasions for lunch or dinner. I am shocked. I got a message from her daughter on FB with the news. Barb got really sick just last week. H's message/post was very long, but the bottom line was a massive brain bleed and a series of strokes, resulting in eventual hospice care at home for a few days. Barb, I hope you've already hooked up with all your Jack Russell Terriers who were waiting there for you. I'll miss you sweetie."

This is the Real Talk. These are the messages that we send each other, over and over again. Most of these messages came from women I have known for 5 to 10 years. This is the reality of being a breast cancer survivor.

There is a recently released Canadian study that has been lighting up the web that suggests that since mammography doesn't decrease breast cancer mortality rates, women should just not get mammograms until they can feel a lump.

By the time you are able to feel a lump, you are already at least in stage 2. The cancer has most likely spread from your breast into the nearby lymphnodes. If breast cancer can be detected in stage 1, the 5 year survival rate is 100%. In stage 2 it is 93% and decreases to 72% in stage 3 and 22% in stage 4.

Real talk. The truth is that 30% of women who are diagnosed with breast cancer at any stage will advance to stage 4, metatastic breast cancer. Nearly a third of all breast cancer survivors will either die because of or with the disease. The vast majority of those women will be those who are diagnosed in stage 3.

Do you want to wait until you can feel a lump?

There is a survivor on Facebook who decided to have pictures of the ravages of breast cancer on her body made and post them. She was unfriended by more than 100 people.  Real talk, people don't want to know the real truth of this disease. This is what they want to hear and see,

"We had a bad spell a few years ago, but we are happier and healthier than ever now..." Apparently they can't handle the Real Talk.

Mammograms may give false positives, but I still want them.

No Need To Run

I have spent years trying to run away from the place where I was living. The situation was so bad. Now I want to spend as much  time as possible there. For the first time in years I walk into the space that I occupy and feel unthreatened and relaxed. I don't walk in the door and immediately feel the need to walk out. I want to get home as soon as possible and spend as much time as possible there. It isn't perfect. I have a lot of decorating to do but an abundant amount of time to do it. I moved mored more of my things in today and I certainly have a lot more to go, having taken my time I don't feel dazed and disorganized by the move yet. It is just so exciting to feel like I don't have to run away. 

I Decided Not to Hate This Year

Once apon a time in a blog far, far away I wrote a post about why I abhor Valentines Day. I thought that it was on this blog, but after looking through years of February 14 posts, I can't find it here. Probably a good thing because I wasn't in a good humor when I wrote it. Basically I said that Valentines Day is a popularity contest. The loveable people get flowers and chocolates or diamonds and dinners out. And us scullery maids sit in the ashes pining for an invitation to the ball and prince charming... I generally spend the whole day running to the lobby to pick up boquets and boxes for my co workers and let my feelings get hurt over and over again because no one ever did that for me.

This year, I'm still fetching everyones gifts. But tough. I don't have to wait for someone to give me chocolates and flowers. I'll just buy them for Bailey and I to enjoy tonight and bake some gluten free cinnamon rolls for breakfast tomorrow. I'm worth it even if Prince Notso Charming was too busy with the Evil Stepmother to notice. Bailey is Beverly's daughter whom I will be staying with so that Beverly and Neil can get away for a nice weekend. And darn it, she's worth it too. Though if someone isn't giving her flowers and chocolates they are both blind and stupid. Next to Mollie, she may be the most adorable person on the planet. And can that girl sing. I'm going to take her to karaoke. Hey, teenagers aren't always pains. They can be fun too.

Happy Valentines Day.

Snow Day!

Five inches of snow and ice and it is still snowing! It's only pretty because I don't need to be out in it. Still, it needs to go away. This is the deep South and we've had enough for one winter. At least the insect population should be considerably less next summer.

I had dinner with Don and Lynn last night. I have really fallen into a good circumstance. This is a blessing.

UPS is Closed!

I have worked there for 14 years and this is a first. UPS closed it's corporate office. I get a day off with pay! The weekend should be good to continue moving, but today I have nothing to do but watch the large black lab slide around on the ice. I wonder if his owner decided to just turn him loose to do his business, or if he has somehow excaped. I hope he goes back in before the second, or third round of this storm starts.