Yesterday Morning

Sorry about the poor quality. It was the
best of the bunch.

They tell me I have orthostatic hypertension. It means that when I get up my blood pools in my feet. If I get up too quickly I can lose consciousness.  No biggy, just take my time standing up. I woke up at 6:30 and realized that my alarm, set for 5:30, had not gone off. I jumped from and immediately lost consciousness. I'm not sure if my forehead hit the bed post, or if I just fell face first onto the floor. The result is the only thing I have to go on. I found myself face down on my bedroom floor. And I was late. I called my carpool friend and my manager and decided to stay home. I went back to bed and slept for the rest of the morning. When I finally woke up I realized that I had a goose egg on my forehead. The goose egg has gone down, but the bruise has spread to the corner of my eyes. I'm pretty sure by the end of the day the day it will be evident under my eyes. I think the floor (or the bed post) won this round. I did no damage to either.

My Heart Is Breaking

If I had to list the women I loved in order it would be my mother, my grandmother and my Aunt Joan. Followed quickly by My Aunt Shirley, Aunt Sandra and the former dean of women at the college that I went to.

I found out today that my Aunt Joan may have breast cancer. She is 78 years old. I am very afraid for her. I know how hard chemo and surgery was on me. I can't imagine that she is up for it.

Aunt Joan was my mother's favorite sibling. Not that they didn't love all of them, but Aunt Joan was special. She is special to me. If ever I had a second mother it was her. Her oldest two children are my favorite cousins. We are all withing 3 years of age from each other and we ran as a pack.

My heart is breaking. I want this not to be happening. This isn't the only very sad news that I have gotten in the last 24 hours. I don't think I quit crying today at all.

Massachusettes

"But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate -- we can not consecrate -- we can not hallow -- this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us -- that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion -- that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain -- that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom -- and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth."Abraham LincolnNovember 19, 1863

 My son hates Massachusetts even more than he hated Iraq. The people of Massachusetts are still living in the 60's and think that it is fine to spit on service men. Yet they revere Abraham Lincoln, though my son says t hat he has heard the N word there more than he ever heard the word in Atlanta. How is it that you spit on someone who puts his life in jeopardy to secure your right for freedom of expression?

Just calling out the people who add to my son's inability to recover for fighting for their freedom. If you don't like it tough. This is my blog. I will exercise that freedom of expression that my family have so valiantly defended since this country began.

The Text

Almost makes me believe I did something right.

Again

" I fund a new lump before Christmas and the biopsy is positive. Had a port installed to receive chemo...again. The lump grew fast and wild, they rather start the chemo before surgery. God I hate this disease. And I'm tired of crying about it."

I quoted that on this post that I wrote about what breast cancer survivors say to each other respective of what we say to the world. The woman who wrote those words on a Facebook page died recently. She died of pneumonia due to the weakened immune system caused by chemo therapy.

What we say to each other is heavy and serious; far from the sassy blurbs like "Save the TaTa's" and "Of course they are fake. My real ones tried to kill me." The bad news hurts all of us who have been touched not only by our common disease, but the support we have for each other. I will miss my friend.

Office Treats

Every Friday someone from the team that I work on brings in treats. Usually I just ignore them because there is nothing that I can eat. Someone brought the treats in today because we are closed tomorrow for Independence Day. But while I was picking up a soda I found out that they had included fruit and gluten free muffins. Yeah! I get a treat today.  I feel so loved.

I Could Use Your Help With Something

Gluten Free Cookies

I have been wanting to make cookies since Allison gave me two 5 lb bags of Jules Gluten Free Baking Flour. It has been so long since I have baked cookies from scratch that I wasn't sure that I'd remember how to do it.

I got home earlier from Judy's pool party than I expected that I would and really wanted to make them. So I stayed up late baking them. But I realized after I had eaten a couple of them, I didn't want to eat them so much as I just enjoy baking.

The cookies came out looking pretty. Other gluten free cookies that I have tried to bake have been just flat shapeless disks. These have some height and shape to them. And they do taste like a Toll House cookie. The texture is a bit grainier, but they are crisp on the outside and a bit chewy on the inside.

I really like this flour, but like most gluten free flour, it's so expensive I'm usually cautious about what I cook with it. This is a bit different because I didn't have to pay for it. Though, I know that when I have finished the 10 lbs that I was given, I'll want to buy some more. I'll have to decide if it is worth the near $4 a pound price tag. So far I would say yes it is.

So what to do with the cookies...I think I'll take them up to the teenage boys upstairs. They will eat anything.

Saturday

It's almost noon. My morning meds sit in the lid on the table waiting for me to take them. I am ravenous, but I can't eat until a half hour after I take them. I do this every Saturday. Why won't I just swallow the damned things and move on?

I dreamed last night of a visit from my ex in-laws. It was at my mother's house and we were trying to cook something to take to a party. But my in-law kept putting things in the way. Suit cases were on the counter and they filled the sink with garden tools. Every where was cluttered and I couldn't find a counter to cut vegetables on. It's really how I always felt about them. Not that they were messy, but their never ending rules about how things had to be done usually left me feeling that I couldn't accomplish anything. Who makes up those rules and why do we always feel that we have to comply? Seriously, I like my bed made and my dishes washed, but is the world going to collapse if I don't pull up the sheets and covers and tuck in the corners? With them, different days of the week have different chores. Different days of the week also have a set menu for dinner. Will it kill someone if I decide that I don't want hash and eat popcorn instead? Pretty much I now do things as I please. Why am I dreaming about this now? Could it be that I am feeling a bit put off by a manager taking over facilities planning at work? I thought that I really don't mind. I really shouldn't mind. He listened to what I was saying and then got permission from upper management to do just what I had been saying we need to do. If that isn't it, then I don't know what is causing this old frustration to pop up in my dreams. One satisfying thing about the dream is that I looked my missionary, passive aggressive ex father-in-law in the eyes and yelled "Just pick this God damned shit up!" Not that it would ever happen in real awake, non-dream life. I am considerate enough and hypocritical enough to not curse around them.

I'm going to get dressed and go somewhere to eat. Then I'm going to try and catch a movie. It is Saturday. I should let myself rest.

Road Trip

George likes to travel in cars. I think he's be happy just to have someone drive him around all day. Last weekend we took him with us to Tim's. Mollie just moved into an new house and didn't want to leave him alone there all day. He gets separation anxiety when there isn't someone around him for long periods of time. Jenn doesn't really like dogs but agreed that he could hang out in the back yard while we were there. George did fine. He likes being outside almost as much as he likes road trips.

George had a strange reaction to Jack. Usually when he is around children, they aren't the focus of attention. They are away from him and doing other things. George couldn't figure Jack out. Jack is only a little taller than George and I think in the end George decided that he was a puppy human and tried to play with Jack like he would a puppy. That didn't go over well with Jack. At first he tried to play with George, but George bouncing at him with a friendly bark scared him. Pretty soon we had to separate the two of them. We were able to do it before any feelings got hurt.

Jack spent most of the day playing with Mollie. I don't think that he can figure her out. Because of the 13 year difference in Tim and Mollie's age he can't figure out is she is a kid or an adult. Either way she definitely is his favorite aunt.

Tim grilled burgers for dinner and Jenn made a wonderful salad and some home made ice cream. It dawned on me that I should look into finding a Alton Brown grill cookbook for him for Christmas. I started a list on my phone.

Yes Jack, you can keep the box.

I got Jack a stuffed owl for his birthday, and a game and a Star Wars metal lunch box. He loved the owl, but wasn't too excited about the other gifts. After playing with the owl for a few minutes he looked up at me and asked "Can I keep the box?" It cracks me up that this kid has so many toys and what he wants to play with is the box that it came in. Last Christmas he asked Santa for a box to play in. Tim went to the local appliance store and got a dryer box for him. They tell me that he played with that box until almost Easter. This year he says that he is going to ask Santa for a baby grand piano. I'm thinking that isn't going to fit in his bedroom.

Mollie's birthday was on the 14th. Jack got her a crown on his trip to Disney World. I wonder if she is going to try to work it into her zombie costume that she's planning on wearing to Dragon Con. She will be there showing a feature film that she has been working on. Dragon Con is supposed to be a Science Fiction convention, but people show up with almost every genre imaginable. I may go hang out at the hotels just to take pictures this year.

We had a nice day, and George was so exhausted that he laid down in the back seat and slept the whole way home. Then went straight to his bed when we got there. I had another 45 minute drive home and got in close to mid night. You know, I think that I'm getting a little too old to keep that kind of schedule.