Another Month Down

The end of July is here and my mood has gotten better thinking that soon summer will be over and the cooler weather of autumn will be with us. But of course, my mind still has PNW expectations. I am sure to be disappointed as summer in the south drags her heels into the dog days in September and refuses to leave until well into October. 

Now that I am an old lady and summer vacation from school no longer applies to me, I like fall much better than summer. I'm already looking forward to the leaves changing colors and the fall festivals. I might even buy myself a pumpkin or two to decorate my area of the porch.

I braced myself for a bout of depression after the wedding that has not materialized. I'm not counting that out quite yet. My kids have been active on our family chat, sending pictures of dogs and gardens and even pictures from the wedding. That has done a lot to buoy my mood. 

I'm not really impressed with the wedding pictures so far, but they aren't the ones from the photographer. Mainly from people standing behind her taking phone photos of  the poses she set up. I'm sure her pictures will be better. To be honest, I was quite shocked that people were doing that. I thought that it was quite rude as she is paid to take the pictures. They were pretty bold about it, not even trying to disguise the fact that they were doing it.  Maybe wedding etiquette has changed and I didn't get the memo. Anyway, here is one of the pictures that I have worked on a bit with an editor. 

Puzzled

Do you work puzzles? I used to always have one going somewhere in my house. I used to always have one going in my house when my kids were young. But over the years since they have left the nest, I have fallen out of the habit. I have a few that I bought and never worked. I finally opened one and got it started. I think that over those same years I lost the brain cells that had me successful in working them too. This one is a thousand pieces and is already a challenge for me.

Roller Coaster

I disappeared again. I'm sorry. It has been a bittersweet few weeks and it has kept me busy, and tired and achy.

A week ago Wednesday Tim and Emily closed on a house. It is a nice house. I am glad that they got it. On Thursday Tim and I spent a very long day packing his apartment getting ready for him to move. On Friday we went to Georgia for the wedding on Saturday. Jack and I came back on Sunday. On Tuesday, Tim and his new family, Emily and Nathan and I continued to pack the apartment. And on Thursday Tim and I along with two young men that Tim had mentored in Boy Scouts finished the colossal task of getting Tim packed into the moving van and the apartment closed out. I have come to the negative conclusion that I never want to go to another wedding and I never want to move again. 

On The Wedding: 

I have never really understood the need for the formal ceremony of weddings. It seems like a major cause of stress and a mammoth waste of money to me. I am sure that the practice began with families being pressured into showing off their worth by spending resources that would have been better reserved for daily living. Now little girls are brought up with the promise of a big day set aside to focus entirely and lavishly on her. Everyone, and I mean Everyone would be better off if people just signed the legal agreement and moved in with each other. This spending tens of thousands of dollars on a single day is Just Fucking Nuts!

There is only one hotel in the small town that the wedding was held in, and it is a basic Quality Inn, clean and comfortable; not luxury, but not bad either. It took Tim and Jack and I four hours to get there. Traffic was terrible and we were glad when we finally arrived. Mollie and Chris arrived about an hour after we did. The flight from Chicago was stressful and they had to drive through the same traffic jams that we did. After they arrived it was great. We all had dinner together and relaxed, enjoying the company. 

I woke up on Saturday morning to find that the refrigerator in my room had leaked during the night and a puddle had formed on the floor in front of it. I didn't think too much of it. Those things happen, but I knew that everyone would be in and out of the room  all morning and I didn't want anyone slipping on it, so I threw a towel over it to dry it up. We all had breakfast in the lobby and went back to our rooms to get dressed for the wedding. 

Everyone was gathering in my room to leave for the church together. Just before we were walking out the door, Ex arrived. He had driven all night from North Carolina and had not bothered to make a reservation at the hotel. Very, very typical for Ex, I was not at all surprised at his failure to plan ahead. But his shortsightedness had left him with no place to shower or change for the wedding. Since we were leaving I offered him to let him use my room. I had just gotten extra clean towels from housekeeping, so there was plenty. What happened next reminded me why I was glad that we are divorced. Instead of just saying thank you and accepting the hospitality, he pointed out that the refrigerator was leaking. And it wasn't just The refrigerator was leaking, it was Your refrigerator was leaking, as if my offer was less valuable because I had allowed the refrigerator to leak. I laughed it off, told him that the refrigerator belonged to the hotel and that I was taking no ownership of it whatsoever. Then I handed him one of the keys to the room and left, leaving him to decide if he wanted to accept the offer or find somewhere else to get ready for the wedding. 

I have been working with a counselor who has been helping me to understand the emotional abuse I have encountered during my life. I am almost embarrassed that it has taken me so long to recognize it. I understood the overt abuse in my relationship with Ex a long time ago; things like him refusing to leave work to take me to the hospital when I was in labor. But there was so much passive aggressive abuse that I never caught on to. And that abuse, subtle distain toward me allowed other people to treat me poorly also. I was rather shocked when I was confronted with it again over the refrigerator. And I had hoped that confronting a bully, even with kid gloves would be the warning shot that would let him know that the behavior wasn't allowed. It did not work with Ex. He wasn't openly abusive, it was more the annoyed pause when I asked a question, or the eye roll when I made an insider joke with my daughter. After getting home, I felt really bad about myself again, even though I had done nothing that was overly embarrassing. It took another session with my therapist to begin to understand the way Ex had undermined me. Sadly, I'm not even sure if he understood that he was doing it. Broken people break people. It's what they do, and in ways we are all broken.

On Moving:

I stayed with my son for eight months before moving into my apartment. I understood then the amount of things that he had crammed into the apartment that he was living in. But packing it all up and moving it has me with a whole new understanding of it. His home is kept clean and mostly organized, but I have come to the conclusion that I don't want to have more than I am actively using. And above all else, I never want to move again as long as I live. I hope that he and Emily will never decide to move again either. 

I spent all day yesterday resting and recovering from the past week. I also spent it contemplating the emotional roller coaster that I have been on. For now, I am happy to be alone with my thoughts. But I know that soon it will hit me that I am totally alone. I think I will take this one day at a time.

Passive Aggressive Tendencies

My neighbor made a comment that I was not intended to hear about all the white people moving in and "gentrifying the place". She made the comment after she had been told that her rent would be raised. And she made the comment not remembering that I have a doorbell that records what happens on the porch. (It is only activated when I am not at home and want to keep an eye on my door. I don't use it to spy on my neighbors.) The comment still bothers me. She spent the next week or so throwing cigarette butts and beer bottle caps around the shared porch. I finally got tired of it and went out to sweep the porch while she was outside talking on her phone. I didn't say anything to her, I just swept them up and walked them to the dumper. Later that afternoon I bought a plant to put outside my door. This is honestly as close to gentrification as I can go in a rented apartment. I can't upgrade the windows and replace the siding. But we don't need to toss trash around and make the place look like a slum. I must have made her feel bad because she has stopped her childish fit. I'm not generally passive aggressive on purpose, but sometimes it is the best course of action.

Another Early Morning Walk

The summer heat is on us. With highs in the mid to high 90's I have given up on walking any time after 8:00 am. But my brain and my body have conspired against my circadian rhythm to make sure that I am up at 5:00 before the sun has a chance to turn on the sauna. For the past week or so I have been up and walking. I really do like walking at that time of day. The only people who are out and about are a few regulars who like me, prefer to get their exercise before there is a danger of heat stroke. They have even started to greet me when we pass. That is one of the differences between the PNW and the Deep South. People here are so much friendlier. Saying hello to a stranger isn't considered creepy.

The flowers here seem to like the rain and humidity we have been having. For the longest time I was walking down streets that didn't seem to have flowers and now they are everywhere. Not like they are in the PNW. Here they are a product of landscaping, In the PNW poppies, lupines and primroses grew wild anywhere they could. The roadsides were full of them. In this Auburn, someone plants and tends them. But at least they are here.

 

Happy 4th

 Happy 4th.  The weather has blown up my plans. The city is using the University transit system to take people to the park where the festivities will be, and I had plans to use it. But man plans and God laughs. The heat will remain in the high 90's throughout the day, and we are expecting thunderstorms to begin in the evening. Oh well, I have hotdogs and hamburgers, watermelon and a cheesecake. I will stay home in my cool apartment and celebrate alone. 

Honestly, I am afraid to get back out in the heat. Even going out in the early morning hours to avoid the worst of it didn't keep me from getting heat sickness. It was only 78F when I was walking, but the humidity was in the low 90's. I have just never been able to handle he heat. 

I hope that the skies will be clear enough that I will be able to see some of the fireworks. If there are any frat boys still around, I'm sure they will be blowing up the neighborhood. 

Fifty years ago, I celebrated standing on the Hollywood Boulevard bridge in Hollywood Florida with people who barely will even talk to me now. The reason they don't want to is because I called them out on the Q-Anon garbage that they have been preaching from their pulpits and worshipping Drumpf as if he was Jesus himself. Sadly, I doubt there will be anything to celebrate in the next few years. Those same people are hell bent on destroying the country. 

Book Club and Good News

Well, the book club was a rout. The book was so good and I was looking forward to hearing what everyone else thought about it. I had good hopes for a lively discussion when I found out that the moderator is a literary professor from the university. But the questions she started with were basic to start with and there were a couple of women who dominated the conversation talking about anything other than the book. At one point one of them literally talked over me to talk about someone helping her tie her shoe in the grocery store. And more than half of the allotted time we had the room we were discussing what books we would like to read in the future. The book for July is Where Men Win Glory, and I'm not so sure that I am that interested in reading it. But I have already bought it and will give the book club another try. 

Next on the agenda for meeting friends is the Cookbook Club. They meet next week. Everyone picked a recipe from the Parks and Rec cookbook and will make a dish to share. I am making American Italian pasta salad. I was going to say that I at least will not be going expecting an intelligent discussion. But that isn't nice. Actually, most of the seniors in this community either have taught at the university or went there and stayed in the area. 

In happier news, Tim and Emily put an offer on a house, and it was accepted. They will close on July 20. Which means they will have to forego the honeymoon that they had planned as it would have them in Palm Beach when they need to be in NW Georgia. I suggested that they should consider the train ride between Denver and LA in the fall instead. Both of them were very interested in the idea. They will be busy for the foreseeable future moving and getting their new house in order. I guess I should start looking on gardening sites to see if I can find a couple of those hydrangeas.

Tales From the Insomniacs

I didn't really sleep on Sunday night. My sleeping schedule is backwards again. But not sleeping had me up at 5:00 when it got light outside. Once again it was in the mid 70's while I was walking, but the humidity was very high. It was nice to get one more walk in. But I'm afraid the heat dome is fully on us now, so at least for the next week or so, a daily walk may be difficult to get.    

Walking in this neighborhood takes me by several of the frat houses. One group of them is clearly owned by the same group, whether it's the University or a private owner. But they all are fairly new, similarly built and have beautiful landscaping surrounding them. They have gorgeous hydrangeas planted in the gardens. When Tim and Emily move into their new home, I hope I can find one like it to give to them to start off the gardens that I am sure that Emily will be planting. 

Speaking of the new home, they have found one that they have put an offer on. I hope that the offer is accepted without too much drama. It's a nice house. It has plenty of room for the to spread out in and a fenced yard for Emily's dog to run free in. It's well within their budget, so I think it will work out well for them. Of course it doesn't matter what I think. At this point it doesn't matter what Tim and Emily think; it matters what the current owners think of the offer Tim and Emily made.  So, fingers crossed. But wouldn't that yard look nice with a couple of those light pink hydrangeas in it?

After I got home from my walk, I finished reading West With Giraffes for the book club this afternoon. I hadn't expected to like the book as much as I did. It started off on a bad foot, for me. But it is a really good book. Surprisingly, one of the geographic locations in the story is an area that I spent quite a bit of my childhood in. The main road in the area is the Lee Highway. I lived a block or two off of it and never knew that it was called the Lee Highway. I also didn't know that the road started in DC and went all the way across the country. Surprisingly, the main character in the book has the same sentiment. The character grew up near the highway and was unaware of it's importance too. 

So according to the description of the book club, we are going to have a thoughtful discussion of the book. I am looking forward to having that discussion. But it is late, and I really am sleepy now. Maybe I will be able to get some sleep and be awake for the book club this afternoon.

What's a Lil' White Lie Among Friends

I said the other day that my window for walks was closing due to the weather, and I am not lying about that. It is true that I don't feel that it is safe to go out walking in 90-degree heat with 80% humidity. It is a recipe for heat sickness if not heat stroke. But I have been suffering from insomnia for a while now and it is quite frustrating. I woke up at 3:00 am, wide awake. No amount of lying still, trying to quiet my mind and pretending I was sleeping was going to change a thing. So, I did what any reasonable person would do. I quit pretending and got up having had only four hours of sleep. 

I thought that a small breakfast would help matters and fixed myself a bacon egg and waffle sandwich with a nice cup of herbal tea. I took a warm shower hoping that it would convince my body that it should really be sleeping, but no. It only served to wake me up more. I read halfway through the book I am supposed to have finished for Tuesday's book club. No luck. I gave up and made the bed. It was obvious to me that no amount of bedtime routines was going to convince my mind and body that it should be sleeping. 

By the time that I came to the conclusion that I would be getting no more sleep on this night, the sun was already up on a cloudy morning. I looked at my watch, and it told me that the temperature was in the low 70's, albeit with high humidity. I decided that once again I could beat the summer heatwave and sneak in a walk. It was a good choice. The combination of being before 7:00am and Sunday had only the people seeking exercise out and about on the roads. It was a pleasant walk, and I ended up going twice as far as I had planned. When I returned home I wasn't exhausted. I wasn't covered in sweat and gasping for anything cold to drink.  And I felt proud of myself for having gotten in my goal of 7500 steps for the day before the day really began. So, when someone wants to body shame me for my weight, I will just look at them and tell them that I'm pushing 70 and I do a 3K a day. They can take their BMI and bug off. 

The day has been uneventful. Mostly I have read and cleaned. I have made the base for tea and I'm really pleased with the way it has come out.

 

Panic

The forecast calls for a heat dome over much of the US as we go into the celebration of our 250th anniversary as a country. It is a very sad thing that it isn't the thing ruining the holiday for most of us here. But I don't want to talk about Drumpf. It throws me into and dark damp dungeon of a mood. 

After surviving the heat dome over Seattle in 2021, the news of heat domes always strikes panic in my heart. The one that is developing seems like it might rival the Seattle one. But I won't be sitting under the center of the dome, and I live in an apartment that has air conditioning now. I know logically that my panic is unfounded. And yet, it is very real to me. The memory of it sends waves of dread over me. We had no air conditioning, nobody did. Even some of the grocery stores in the area didn't have it. And because of Covid regulations, they were pretty much the only public places that were open. Governor Inslee didn't open any cooling stations. We were left to our own devices. It took weeks to get over the heat sickness caused by that event.

Surviving a crisis prepares you for the next one. That is true with me. I was better prepared to deal with the heat of the Seattle event because I had lived through summers in southwestern Oklahoma. I knew to block the sun from coming in east and west facing windows. I knew to put cooling rags on the back of my neck and run cold water over my wrists when I felt overheated. I knew to fill the bathtub and sinks with cold ice water because a shaded area by a lake will always be cooler than a sunny field. With this heat dome I will be more prepared mostly because I live in an apartment that has air conditioning. All of the businesses around are open and have air conditioning and if the power fails, the senior center across the street is a cooling station. They will have generators keeping the power on there. But the panic of muscle memory still persists.

Speaking of muscle memory panic... I learned on Facebook that another of the ladies from the breast cancer support chat group has died. I did not know her well. In fact, I had to ask who she was even after her chat group name was given. But it is always a kick in the pants to hear that another one of the ladies has died. Many of them, even the ones who were initially diagnosed with only stage one cancer went on to develop metastasis and die of breast cancer. But mostly now the women are dying in old age of heart disease and dementia. Breast cancer is not generally a young woman's disease. Most of the women in the chat group were in their late 60's and early 70's back in the day. At 46, I was a one of the youngest women in the group. Now most of those women are pushing 90 if they haven't already crossed over the line. This particular woman died of ALS. Still, there is always that moment of silent panic when I hear of another of the women dying. There are moments of panic when I realize that I've had headaches for several days in a row or develop a dry cough or and new ache or pain. I thought that it would fade away by now. I guess it never will. And I guess that while we may have proved that we are stronger than cancer, we will eventually succumb to something because we are after all only human.