Hiding in My Room

My brother has anxiety issues. The truth be told, everyone in my family suffers from an anxiety disorder of one form or another. But his look a lot like mine and are triggered by changes in his environment.

Last week Ghost got sick and it took a bit to get a vet to see him. And they gave Ken a promotion at work. He now supervises 4 new people. Then the three little kittens came over last weekend. They were on the wild side and broke several things that we weren't happy about. One was the small electric fireplace that we purchased in June and have just started using. Actually, they didn't break it. But one of them was turning it on when the halogen light bulbs blew out. And then of course it was the full moon. So this week I wasn't paying attention to his warning behaviors and I made a few more changes. While a new desk in my room doesn't really change things for him, the desk replaced a chair that he really likes and doesn't have room anywhere else in the house for it. It is in the shed now. I should have been more sensitive to his moods. It's easier when we try to notice when the other is having problems.

So today Ken's anxiety has been jumping on my last nerve. It jumped on Karen's too and sparked an outburst from her. That didn't make things any better.

When Ken got up this morning his dog wasn't sleeping on his bed where he normally is. Bear went into Karen's room sometime during the night and was trying to sleep on the cat's bed. Ken panicked and woke us both up fussing that Bear had gotten out during the night. Neither Karen nor I really got back to sleep after that.

The new halogen bulbs came in the mail today. Ken brought them in from the mailbox when he got home at noon. He only works a half day on Fridays. He was annoyed that I ordered them. He wanted to get a large Amazon cart going and order everything at once. I understand this is the way he likes to do things, but it doesn't make sense to me. Amazon sends everything in different packages anyway. Changing the bulbs was easy, but I could see the tension building every minute that he was working on it. I had told him that I could handle it but to him fixing things is his job. Some things aren't worth the breath it would take to argue the point. I learned long ago to give this one a rest. It doesn't mean that I shy away from fixing the things I can. But if he has it, I just don't get in his way.

It took all of 10 minutes to replace the bulbs and wouldn't have taken that long if he'd used the magnetic screw driver. But his anxiety took over after it was finished and he just wouldn't leave it alone. First he turned on the fire to make sure it was working. Then he kept adjusting the brightness of the flame. Then the room was a bit chilly so he turned the heater on low. But that wasn't enough for him so he kept turning it up. After a half hour the room was getting a little toasty so Karen turned the heat back down to low. So Ken's anxiety took over and the whole thing had to go off. Even having the flame on was throwing him into anxiety overdrive. I was more than annoyed that I wasn't being allowed to enjoy the fireplace after all the trouble to get it working again. I went to the kitchen to get dinner started.

I decided that the cold rainy evening we here having would call for comfort food, so I made Shepherd's Pie. We don't have a hand mixer, so I got the large Kitchen Aid out of the cabinet and set it on the counter. As I was pealing the potatoes, Ken came into the kitchen and started putting the mixer back in the cabinet. I told him to leave it because I needed it for the mashed potatoes. While I prepared the meat, vegetable and gravy layer I was boiling the potatoes. Ken came into the kitchen again and started to put the mixer back in the cabinet. I asked him if he had a problem with the mixer. That was the wrong thing to do, and I should know it. His feelings got a little hurt. The told me that the mixer takes too much room on the counter. I know this, but I still need to use it. I softened my tone and told him I'd let him know when I was finished. He kept checking to make sure that it wasn't in my way. He was happier when I had the pie in the oven and had finished washing out the bowl and beater. I finally let him clear the mixer off the counter.

At dinner he announced that he had next Friday off. Karen will only be working 2 hours that day and she suggested that we should do something together. He said that we should go to Point Defiance. It's a nice place, but it's supposed to be chilly and raining that day. So I said "Or, we could go to Joint Base Lewis-McChord and tour the base and infantry museum. Our father went to basic training there and was stationed there several times. He had wanted to bring the family out to live  there, but was never able to get a permanent station. I'd really like to see it and Karen was enthusiastic about it. Then Ken's anxiety took over and he said "But I'd like to get a good amount of yard work done before we go. We could wait until the kittens are out of school and go then." I lost it. This is just a stalling tactic. He has a day off and he is anxious about spending it away from home.  I pointed out that the tours end at 5:00 and by the time we picked the kittens up and got there it would be a half hour before it closed. I didn't want to make the trip and not be able to have enough time to enjoy it.  Besides, it really isn't the kind of thing little girls are into. He snapped that we could just go on Saturday. But Saturday we are picking the kittens up to take them to the community Trunk or Treat both here and in Enumclaw. Then  he kept throwing out all kinds of other plans on when we could go.

After dinner I finally had enough of his anxiety and came to hide in my room. I know it. I do understand it. His anxiety causes him to fixate on one thing and he can't relax until that thing is put right for him. He was tired when he came home. It would have been better to not have seen the bulbs for the fireplace. But having them made him anxious and until it was fixed and he had control of it, there was no calm place for him. It was the same for the mixer. It was out of it's place and on the counter. His anxiety made him fixate on it until it was back in the cabinet where it belonged.  While he wants to get out and do fun things, his anxiety holds him to a fixed regime of home and work.  Actually agreeing on an plan caused him to fixate on the trip and his need to sabotage it so it wouldn't happen.

My anxiety acts in similar ways. In the kitchen pots, pans, utensils have to be washed and put away while I'm working or it becomes overwhelming for me. Taking the kittens to something that isn't child friendly, even a restaurant makes me not want to even go. I would be so conscious of where they were and what they were doing that none of us would enjoy it. I would find a way to make sure that I wasn't on that trip. I can tell myself that the world isn't going to end if the climb under the table or wander off to the gumball machines. But it doesn't stop my anxiety.

We have apologized to each other. And we do understand it. But while it makes us aware that we need to be kind to each other, it doesn't change the anxiety or our poor coping skills for it.  The funny thing is that Karen says she doesn't suffer from anxiety. Believe me she does. It just manifests itself differently than it does with Ken and I.

One of the things I truly appreciated about living alone was that the only anxiety I had to deal with was my own.