Dream Lessons

I had a dream last night that I was driving my father's pick-up truck trying to get somewhere important. But as I was driving people, adults and their children were lounging in the middle of the road as if they were on a beach. Not wanting to hit anyone and especially concerned for the children, I stopped and waited for a bit. When they didn't show any sign of moving, I rolled down the window and asked them to please move. Then a woman in a sun hat and glasses just looked me in the eye and said, "No, I don't think we will."  And then my anger welled up and I said, "Okay then" as I started driving through them, causing them to have to dash out of the way. When I got a little farther away, I found that the road turned into a room with no outlet. So, I went into the room and when I came back out, someone had towed my truck away and left no notice about where it was. I was upset and wanted to call the police because they had stolen my truck. But I was afraid too because of my behavior of having driven through the crowd. 

When I woke up, I thought about the dream and realized that it was about how my anger keeps me from asking the right questions or listening to what other people have to say. If I'd asked the woman why they wouldn't move out of the road, she might have told me that it wasn't a road. And if I had listened to her and not reacted badly, my truck wouldn't have gotten towed.  My subconscious was telling me to listen to people instead of acting rashly. Not that I've ever driven through a crowd on a street. But I have done a lot of stupid things. 

But I was so glad when I woke up and realized that it was only a dream and I wasn't going to have to explain to my father why his truck was towed and no one would tell me where.

For the Lovely Mrs. Moon

Mrs. Moon wrote on her blog last night that she would never put chocolate chips in pancakes. What? So I answered her back and described my favorite waffles. And I went to bed with visions of sugarplums dancing in my head. When I got up this morning nothing would do but to have chocolate chip pecan waffles with all the fixins'. However, I am fresh out of fudge track ice cream. But the waffles were good regardless, with both caramel and chocolate syrup and extra pecans. I'm an unsupervised child at heart. Mrs. Moon thinks this meal will cause death. If cancer didn't do it, I don't think a little sugar stands a chance. 

My diet isn't all bad, really. When I went to Publix after noonday Eucharist on Wednesday, they had corn on the cob. I told myself that I'd have some on Friday with some potato salad and coleslaw. I did that this evening. I don't know why I decided on Friday, but it worked out. The coleslaw as perfect. I used broccoli slaw and I got the dressing just right; creamy with just a hint of sweetness and tanginess, The potato salad had a bit too much mustard in it, but it was fine. I did not know how much I was missing corn on the cob until I bit into it. It was fantastic. I had a slice of ham to round out the meal and washed it down with peach lemonade. 

I'm celebrating, after all. It's almost my daughter's birthday. 34 years ago, I went into labor with her. It was a Friday night then too. I know because my OB is Hassidic and didn't come to the hospital until the next evening. She waited for him. She was born on Sunday morning, bright and early. She used to complain that her birthday was on a "lame holiday" like Flag Day. Now she complains that her birthday is besmudged by sharing it with the orange buffoon. But you know what? She redeemed the day. It was one of the best days of my life. I was the only mom there that day. She was the only baby. She lay on my chest and we bonded. 

When De was here, she asked me if I ever wonder how anyone so beautiful was born from me, and I answered, all the time. She is still on of the most beautiful people I have ever seen.

I'm Nothing if Not Inconsistent

I fed the sourdough starter this evening and placed it in the refrigerator. I have been feeding it for a week or more knowing that this is what I needed to do. But it is the only pet I have here. I call him Giles. The truth is that I've been feeding him for a month and only using the discard for waffles or pancakes. Bread takes an hour to bake in the oven, and I am loathe to heat the apartment up for a loaf of bread. I have been eating quick breads and store bought hamburger buns instead. So tonight I finally made the decision and pulled the plug. I can always get him out and feed him if I lose my mind and decide to heat the house while I run the AC. 

So after tucking him into the refrigerator for a long summer's sleep, I put the kettle on and boiled some water for a nice hot cup of tea. I do of course, have sweet tea, lemonade and soda in the refrigerator. But lets boil that water while I cool everything down running the air.
 

It Takes Me A Minute

My apologies. I have been trying to comment on your blogs, but I have had a devil of a time getting Blogger to allow me to comment with my name. It all started when I added a VPN. Blogger didn't care for it. And it took me months to find my way around it. Then Blogger decided that I needed to use another Google account that I have. It wanted to sign my comments as Hope. I think I have all the kinks worked out now. I can only hope. I feel like there has to be an instruction manual somewhere, but I can't find that either. 

So, my sincere apologies. I will try again.

If a Tree Falls in the Woods

You know that question about if a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? That is kind of what it is like to grow old and alone. I'm asked what do I do with my days. The answer is whatever I want to do. It doesn't matter. No one is around to care.

I woke up this morning to a message from Venmo telling me that my son had sent some money. It was very nice of him. But I don't really need money so much anymore. I'm doing okay here. What I need is a phone call, or a visit every now and then. 

I got up and did my morning routine, but even that doesn't really matter. If I don't shower, there is no one to notice that I stink. If I don't drink my water, there is no one who will know but me. If I don't make my bed or hang up my clothes, there is no one to object because the house is messy. If I don't do my quiet time, God won't be mad. I do it because I'm awake, I'm still here, I still matter. 

I looked at my watch, and I had time to get dressed and make it to noonday Eucharist at St. Dunstan's, so I went. They aren't celebrating Eucharist at the moment; it was just a prayer service. It was rather nice really. They don't make everyone break into groups and pray out loud like the services I try to avoid. This was corporate prayer led by a lay person. She was nice. She made a point of introducing herself to me after the service and invited me to lunch. I said no, though I don't really know why. Instead, I went to Publix and bought the sliced cheese that I left off my grocery delivery yesterday. They had some corn on the cob, and I bought two ears. I will have them for dinner on Friday with some potato salad and cole slaw. Why Friday? I don't know, but it's a plan of some sort.

I should have done my laundry this afternoon. The basket is overflowing. But there is no one around to notice but me. And I have clean clothes to wear, a clean towel to shower with. I could even change the bedding on both beds if I so desired. 

So, if I fell in the woods, would I make a sound?

 

What a Difference a Breeze Makes

 After having gone to bed early last night, I was up early this morning. It worked out well for my walk. The temperature is only in the upper 70's when I headed out for my walk, but it felt much hotter than that. The humidity is 65% and there is no breeze at all. I worked up a proper sweat while I was out. 

This is as good as it's going to get here for a while. It will only get hotter and more humid as the summer stretches on. I'm not sure what I'm going to do for exercise. I had hoped to get in an early morning swim, but it doesn't appear that the pool is going to be opened this summer. Maybe I will need to look into one of those chair Tai Chi exercise courses that I keep seeing advertised. I could go over to the rec center and see what they have to offer. I'm going to have to make other plans if I don't want to have to wake up at that crack of dawn every morning to get a walk in. 

Other than being surprisingly hot, my walk this morning was nice. I try to vary my paths each time I walk so I don't get bored. The path I took this morning took me past the park where I found the mimosa tree blooming. Then when I was almost home, I spied some honeysuckle that was able to bloom before the landscapers found it to cut down. 

The other thing I spied while I was out walking this morning might just be the most valuable thing I have found in a while. There is a public transportation system in this county that is not advertised. I looked it up and found out that it is free with my Medicare card. The hours are very limited, but limited is better than no transportation at all. I will be taking advantage of that. 

When I got home I drank the last of my lemonade and decided to make it with peach tea this time around. OH MY! It is delicious. I added more peach tea bags to my grocery order. 

Overall, the morning has been quite successful. I think I will work on some hats this afternoon. I might try to sell them at the Jingle Market they have downtown before Christmas. The weather here stays too warm to wear hats, but that doesn't stop people from doing it anyway. And my hats are good. 

Morning Struggles

Getting old is definitely not for whimps. The only real benefit I can sis is that if someone is being obnoxiously loud, I can take out my hearing aids and turn them down. 

I sent Mollie's birthday gift out today. I could not find the card that I had planned to send with it. I looked everywhere I could think of and couldn't find it. So, I bought another card, one that I was not so happy with. I wrote out the message in the card and went to tuck it into the gift. Guess what I found! I found the card that I had originally planned to send, already filled out and tucked into the gift. 

I planned to have breakfast at the bookstore after I mailed the gift. I went to get the moleskin journal to take with me. But I could not find it. I looked everywhere it would make sense that I would put it. I didn't find it. So, I grabbed an old journal and put it in my backpack. Then I went to get my wallet out of the purse that I took to the arts festival on Friday. I found the moleskin journal, but I didn't find my wallet. It was in my bedside table. I have no idea why I put it there. I just don't know. 

And to make everything worse, I have two toiletry kits.  I had some toothpaste delivered, and what they brought would fit well in the kits. But I can't find either one of them. I will probably have to buy a third before either of the other two show up. 

My forgetfulness is getting so bad that I think I need to have a regular place for everything and a list that reminds me where that regular place is. 

After all that searching around this morning, I did manage to make my way to the post office and get the package mailed. And then I was off to the bookstore. I had in mind a quiet afternoon on the back porch. There is usually no one out there. Today was an exception for some reason. And for some reason they were all using their outdoor voices. That would have been okay if they were all children, but they weren't. They were the university students who have not found their way home yet. I took out my hearing aids so I could ignore them, and they only got louder. 

It was looking like it might start raining again after I finished my breakfast, so I rather dejectedly walked home. If I want a quiet morning on the porch sipping tea and munching on a biscuit, I'm going to have to find a different porch. Unfortunately, my porch won't do as I share it with my neighbors, and they aren't so interested in sharing it. There is another coffee shop/bookstore a few blocks farther on a different street. But I doubt that it will be any quieter than the one close by. It is much closer to the university and the same students.  

There are a multitude of birds that live int he bamboo thicket that lines my path home. They were all out and singing for me while I was walking there. I try to get pictures of them, but they are too quick for that. There is a pair of cardinals that greet me regularly. The male is almost stunning in his brightness. Today, he hopped along the fence post and darted away every time I raised my phone to get a picture, almost as if he were taunting me. But it cheered me up a bit to see them and hear their morning songs. 

When I got home, I paid my bills for the month. Well, the ones other than the rent and electric which is paid before the first of the month. Hopefully, I will have a few years before I start forgetting those too. 

Today

There isn't much to say about today. My big accomplishment was to make waffles for breakfast and take out the trash. That isn't entirely true. I did manage to change out the curtains in the living room. I put the black-out, temperature blocking curtains up for the summer. The heat pours in that window in the afternoon when the sun is on it. I will miss the sun in the morning, But if I'm going to splurge on $20 tea mugs, I will need to cut back somewhere. 

In Washington, we used to point to the houses that always had their blinds closed and their curtains drawn and declare that they were hoarder houses. Here, everyone keeps their blinds closed. It could be that they are all hoarders, but I doubt it. It is more likely that the sidewalk for the apartments passes beside the windows. It is a little close for comfort even if you aren't a particularly private person.

Like Seattle, it has started raining again and will be for the foreseeable future. I thought that El Nino years were supposed to be dryer than normal. Glad that I bought that umbrella.
 

The Birds and the Bees and the Flowers and the Trees

I made myself sick last night going to the arts festival. I was already tired by the time I walked into town. The festival was well attended and the streets were crowded. I was surprised that there were that many people still around. Usually in college towns, especially SEC towns, the town empties out during semester breaks. But somehow there were still enough people around to fill the streets and restaurants and bars. 

The music was good. College towns always have good local bands with their own material. I didn't see any Elvis or Temptations impersonators, like you get in most small towns. It was college kids who write their own songs. 

The vendor selection was exceptional. I walked through a few times before deciding what I would spend my money on. I bought some locally sourced honey, which was a given for me, and some smoked pepper jack cheese. But my choice of art came down to a photograph of the town my parents grew up in, taken the year my dad was a senior in high school, or a hand thrown tea mug. The bluebird on the mug just makes me happy. The picture guy will probably be back for other festivals. When I got the mug home I was shocked at myself. I just spent $20 on one tea mug, do I think I'm rich? But I have a tea mug that makes me happy just to look at it. And the couple who sold it to me were so nice. They seemed genuinely glad to sell it to someone who really liked it.

I met a couple of ladies from the beautification society. They were really nice too. They gave me a pack of wildflower seeds and a brochure about their club. They provide and take care of the hanging baskets of flowers that adorn the streets downtown. They want to expand their territory to the whole town. They meet once a month at the arts center across the street from my apartments, so I have decided to join them. Hopefully a few friendships will come out of it and I will get to help with something that I am interested in. 

I grew exhausted before I even left the festival and had to stop a few times on the less than a mile walk home. By the time I got to my apartment I was sick and in pain. I sat on my couch for a long time afterward. I needed to eat dinner. I had planned to eat while I was in town, but I knew that I was getting to the end of my spoons. After a while I gathered enough energy to get a hot shower and a bowl of soup. That made me feel better, but I still was in bed before 10:00 pm, as if I was an old woman...shoe fits, right?

I felt better this morning, but decided to give myself a day of rest. I have done little besides read and eat and nap today. And the tea mug still makes me happy just to look at it.

Artsy Fartsy

 I woke up this morning to a beautiful spring like day. It has been raining for almost two weeks straight. It was so good to see the sun and have temperatures in low 80's and a nice cool breeze to match it. I was so happy to get out in it.

There is a new watercolor exhibit at the Arts Center. The center is small, so I knew that I would be there for less than an hour. It was a nice exhibit even if on the small side. I found out that they will be having pottery classes all summer long. I'm going to see if I can work it in my budget to attend a few of them. The supplies are quite expensive. But I would really like to give it a try. I also found out they will be having a performance of "The Spitfire Grille" on my birthday. I will definitely be attending that.

 It was lunch time when I left the center, and I had been trying to catch a highly recommended neighborhood eatery open. Their hours of operation are really limited, 10:00 am until 2:00 pm. There is sidewalk construction going on in front of the establishment, so as I approached, I wasn't sure that they'd be open. They were, but once inside I was confused as to why they are so highly recommended. The place has the look and feel of a neighborhood dive bar, where you meet up with your pusher type of atmosphere. Why on earth a place that is only open for lunch needs a bar is a bit more than I want to know about. I got the chicken queso fries and a diet coke to go. I ate them at home. The food makes up for the atmosphere, but I think from now on if I feel the need to eat out for lunch, I will order on the app and have it delivered to my home. Seriously do not want to be seen hanging out there. 

I had the afternoon stretching before me, and little to do with it. I decided to give the apartment a good clean. And while I was doing that I once again realized that I have been unhappy with my bathroom cleaner. I suppose that it is clean. But it just doesn't give the bathroom that sparkle or the freshly cleaned smell I really want. I walked to Publix to get some scrubbing bubbles. I don't know what it is with that stuff, but nothing else give the bathroom that just cleaned feeling like it does. The second trip out and about pushed my step count over 10,000 for the day. I'm rather proud of myself for that, if not a little tired.

When I got home, I finished off the last of the lemonade that I had made the day before and decided that I really like it. I made another batch and drank a glass or two of it. I should have made dinner but decided to make cookies instead. You could say that I made cookies for dinner. I am living my inner child after all. What child doesn't want chocolate chip cookies and lemonade for dinner? 

Tomorrow is forecast to be another beautiful day. I may go hang out on the bookstore porch for a while. I want to save my energy to be able to head downtown in the evening for the summer arts festival. St. Dunstan is going to have local student musicians performing in the garden, That sounds pretty interesting to me. But I haven't heard their music yet, so we will have to see.

New Church

I'm glad that I walked into town yesterday to buy an umbrella. What a gift. This morning it gave me the courage to walk back into town to go to church even though it looked like it might rain again. The weather was warm and muggy. It probably will be well into October, and I suspect that it will get a lot worse as the summer progresses. 

What a difference the church today was. So many people introduced themselves to me. I have never attended an Episcopal church before. I am unaccustomed to the run of service, and they were so kind to help me know what to do.  I was invited to come back on Tuesday to just sit and enjoy their garden and just socialize. 

I went across the street from the church to have brunch after the service. It was a very nice way to end a great morning. I had huevos rancheros, and while they really weren't the best I've ever had, they were good. The service was excellent and the price was reasonable. It is so good to be able to go out to eat and not feel like I'm being fleeced. 

It rained on my way home, and I was so glad to have the umbrella. I took a long nap that was very refreshing. I took another walk after I woke up, mainly because I was bored. I took a picture of several of the houses that I pass while walking the town. This one always catches my eye. Maybe because it has a beautifully smelling jasmine bush in the front yard. 

So Much for a Sabbath Rest

I told myself that I didn't have to get out and walk today. I said that it is Saturday, so a good day to rest. But when I woke up I felt rested and refreshed. And I could actually see the sky. I knew that there was a Publix market in the middle of downtown. I have been wanting to find it. I wanted to know if it is actually a grocery store, and not just a abbreviated version of a store like Target is. I decided to walk downtown to find it. I told myself that if I found it I'd buy myself an umbrella that fits inside my small backpack. 

I walked downtown. The air was warm and muggy. I didn't see Publix where I  thought that it would be. I pulled out my phone and I was standing where the map app said it should be. I walked up another street and found the Episcopal Church that I'd seen before. There was a woman weeding the flower beds. She stopped to talk to me a bit. She was really nice, and invited me to the service tomorrow morning at 10:00. I will go. She pointed me to Publix, which was actually where the map app said it would be, but the sight of it was blocked by another building. 

It is a full size store. If you are used to the prices of the PNW, it is reasonably priced. For local standards, the buy one, get one deals make it more affordable. It is about as affordable as getting Walmart, Kroger or Aldi deliver my groceries. It will be a good choice when I only need a few things. I might get myself one of the foldable wagons, like they use to pull children around street festivals. 

I bought a few boxes of tea, some chocolate chips and Heath chips and an umbrella. I thought I was so clever. I thought that since I'd bought an umbrella it wouldn't rain on me for the rest of the summer. Man plans and God laughs. I hadn't gotten all the way across the street when the sky opened up and poured. My umbrella was great for keeping my head and torso from getting wet. But the rain blew in and soaked my shoes. 

 

Alone Again

I have a walking stick that I have a love/hate relationship with. I bought it on Amazon shortly after I moved to Washington. I was still experiencing a lot of arthritis and weakness in my left hip and a cane had me bent over too much. A walking stick is much better for posture. But the stick is bamboo, and shiny and obviously not hand-made. In my mind, a walking stick is something that is supposed to be personal. In my perfect made-up world, where my imagination lives, I would find a suitable stick lying in a forest and hand smooth and decorate it myself. Well, the sticks that fall in the forest belong to someone else, and I never go walking in forests anymore. 

While De was here, we came across two large piles of wood on the streets we were walking on. The recent storms have been hard on the trees. We looked through them to see if we could find a branch that would provide a reasonably long solid shaft to make a hand-made stick from. But the trees fell with the storms because they were unhealthy to begin with. And the couple of likely candidates were already rotting. De suggested that I might be able to find a natural shaft online and she was right. I don't know why I never thought of that. Of course someone will be selling something like that.

I was able to find a seller of shafts on Ebay. I want to say that it is more expensive that it should be. But after seeing the difficulty of finding acceptable limbs to make one out of, I do kind of understand the expense. I chose a hazel wood shaft. I don't know why that one spoke to me. I really wanted ash or birch, but the seller didn't have any, and hazel seemed appropriate for some reason.. I have also purchased a set of wood carving tools to make the stick something that is more personal to me. I have never done wood carving, and I have no idea of what I'm doing. I will have to watch YouTube videos to get a clue. But I am excited about the new project. I will move the "store-bought" stick to a less prominent location in the apartment. The love part of the relationship has me not wanting to get rid of it completely.

De left yesterday, and I feel adrift again. The aloneness seemed to close in on me last night and I ended up going to bed at 8:30 instead of dealing with my feelings about it. That decision, of course had me waking up at 0 dark-thirty this morning. Now, once again I don't know what to do with myself. I am not hungry enough to eat and it is too dark out to take a walk. I could clean, but it is pointless. The apartment is already clean. 

I will go to North Georgia to visit with De later in the summer. I'd really like to be there in the fall, because the town she lives in has very cool festivals in the fall. I'm sure that everyone wants to visit her then, but summer works.

 

Exhaustion

Today was hard emotionally, and I'm not sure what sparked it. I had plans to visit another church this morning, but when I stepped outside my door the weather didn't look encouraging. It looked as if at any moment a storm could come and drench everything, including me if I dared to be out in it. My neighbor, Shequan was out on the shared porch. She agreed with me and encouraged me to to watch a church that she liked on YouTube. 

I went in and tried to watch the service that she suggested, but it isn't the same as being there. And the church that she likes is a bit farther than I think I'd like to walk on a Sunday morning to attend services, even though it did seem like a church I might fit in at. I decided to see if my home church in Georgia was placing their services online, and they are. But I started weeping and couldn't stop for quite some time. It felt like a dyke had broken and every sorrow that I had suppressed for the past eight years came pouring out. 

Even after the emotional outburst stopped, tears would spring unbidden from my eyes for a few hours. I tried to distract myself, first by making some bread dough to bake when my friend comes on Tuesday, and then by doing some of the more deep cleaning in the kitchen and bathroom. 

Shortly after noon, the weather cleared a bit. I was feeling hemmed in and felt like I needed to walk off the lingering sadness. Walking to the intersection that turns out of my apartment complex, I saw this bike leaning against the stop sign. Something about it angered me. I was sure that someone had stolen it and abandoned it there. I took this picture to send to the police when I got home. Then I walked off in a huff. I had planned to walk up to a fast food restaurant that my son told me had pretty good fried chicken. He was wrong about that.

I got lost looking for the restaurant and ended up down town, near the church that I had planned to attend. I thought that I had found another book store, but realized that it is one that I'd already been in. I thought about stopping in one of the many pizza and beer joints that are down town, but they were crowded with people. And I didn't know which I could order a single slice of pizza at. I didn't want to have to order an entire pizza. I decided to walk home, feeling defeated

On the way back home, I found the restaurant that I'd planned to eat at. There was a woman coming out when I reached the door. She asked me if I had a few dollars that I could spare her. She said that she needed to get a cab somewhere. I'd had four one dollar bills in my wallet for most of the year, so I gave them to her. She seemed very pleased with it, and gave me an orange baseball hat that says "Happy Dad" on it. She said I could give it to my husband. I took it without explaining there is no husband to give it too. 

The restaurant was empty when I went in. But a few other people showed up after I'd been there a while. The girl at the register was nice. The food was only okay even for fast food expectations. The walk home was uneventful, except the bike was gone when I got back to the intersection. I was glad that I didn't need to find the public service page to report it.

At home again, I sat on my couch and enjoyed how comfortable it is. And I realized that I was exhausted, both emotionally and physically. I decided to take a nap and ended up sleeping deeply for three and a half hours. After I got up, I finished off the last of the waffles and boiled eggs that I had in the refrigerator and I thought that I should have eaten them for lunch rather than the fast food. 

I have supplies to make salmon and chicken linguini, and lasagna and caprice salad while De is here. I will have fresh bread and home made cookies and ice cream for her. I will feed her well. Hopefully she will want to come back. 

But now, even after a long nap in the afternoon, I am still exhausted. And I don't really understand what sparked it.                                                                                            

 

New Couch

I woke up later this morning than usual. I stayed up late lamenting my decision to buy a new couch. I was afraid that it was too big for my living room. I was afraid that it would be the wrong color. I was afraid that it wouldn't inflate properly and I'd be stuck with an eyesore. 

When I did get up, I decided to put my fears to rest. I moved the furniture out of the way and unboxed the new couch. I couldn't be more pleased with it. It is not too large. It is the perfect color. It inflated easily. It is so incredibly comfortable that it could easily be used as a guest bed. 

Tim came over this evening to help me dispose of the old couch. We were going to take it to Goodwill, but one of my neighbors saw us taking it out and asked if he could have it. We helped him move it into his rather bare apartment.  He is thrilled with his new couch too, and we didn't have to support Goodwill. I couldn't be more pleased about that. And I made a new friend.

Tim and I had dinner at a nearby Mexican restaurant and discussed wedding stuff and Jacks graduation.  Afterward, I sent Tim home with the cookies I made last night, a couple of jars of jelly and Jack's birthday present. 

Now I need to clean my apartment well. De and Bob will be coming to visit on Tuesday. She is like me, only a lazy housekeeper. But I'd still like to get the place to sparkle for her. 

Trail

I found myself at the neighborhood bookstore again this morning. I wanted to find a walking trail that was close to home for when it becomes too hot to walk during the day, and I was successful. It runs behind the arts center and comes out on the sidewalk beside the bookstore. It will be a welcome shortcut. 

The air was heavy with moisture when I was walking. It had rained during the night and was threatening to again. But the morning was cool enough to drink hot tea, and I think that I have found my favorite. It is called Georgia Sunrise. It is a peach tea and is delicious with honey. 

I sat at the bookstore for an hour and wrote in my moleskin journal some feelings that I had buried deep for a long time. These aren't thoughts that I feel safe sharing with anyone, but writing them out felt so good. I hope that it will help to exorcise them.   

When I got home, I began cleaning out the refrigerator. I threw out the pickled egg experiment that I started a few weeks ago. The brine became cloudy almost immediately and now had pieces of I don't know what floating in it. I just threw it away, jar and all. I wasn't brave enough to open it. So with a failed experiment under my belt, I decided to try again. Now my apartment smells of vinegar and dill. If I'm brave enough I will be able to try them in a week.

Daily Constitutional

I have been continuing on my efforts to get out and walk everyday. Most days it has been using up all my spoons and leaving me feeling as if I can do nothing else for the rest of the day than sit on the couch. I will persist with it, hoping that it will at sometime become easier with practice. 

Friday I walked into town using a route that looks shorter on maps, but has me walking up steep inclines. Town is a bit disappointing. Many of the shops are empty. With the looming recession, I'm sure that will continue to increase as the shops that are there cater to tourist coming in for game days. There are plenty of bars to cater to the college students. But even the chain restaurants are closing shop and getting out of Dodge. It would be far more to my liking if there were an antique store and a thrift store or two. But I suspect that the rent around Toomer's Corner is pricing them out of the market there. There was a book store that seems to have been opened by one of the founders of the town. But it is the kind of place that I will look at the book there and order it from Thriftbooks when I get home. 

I did manage to find churches from the major denominations in the center of town. I went to one of them on Sunday. Let me say this first: I cleaned up before I went. I showered, put on a nice dress, combed my hair and brushed my teeth. There is no way I could be mistaken for a homeless person or a bum. But other than the teens who were standing outside with signs greeting everyone as they walked in, no one spoke one word to me. Even during the "Turn around and greet those around you" portion of the service, everyone around me meticulously looked in another direction so they wouldn't have to say something to me. I will try the other churches, but one is a bit farther than I want to walk and the other is a Baptist church. I'm really not much of a Baptist. I was gobsmacked as I was walking home. I have never been to a church where not one person said a word to me before. Then an elderly gentleman pulled his car beside me as I was walking home and asked me if I was Pat. I told him no, and to have a nice day, That exchange left me with more of the incredulous feeling that I had. I seemed approachable enough for the gentleman to wonder if I was someone he knew, but not for someone in that church to simply say "hello".

On Monday I walked to the coffee shop that is down the road from me. It is a hang-out for the college kids in the area who want to seem bookish and not into the frat scene, as  they live among the frat houses. I listened to them trying to sound intelligent and thoughtful as they discussed the latest books until I could stand it no longer. I turned off my hearing aids and finished my tea and cinnamon bun and made my way home with my newly purchased Moleskin journal. I have been needing a place to keep lists that I find myself dependent on. 

On Tuesday I decided to go to a nearby park and work on a draft of a letter to Mollie. I heard the Grand Poo-bah of snake oil and fad diets declare that American women are under-babied. There seems to be a lot of pressure on young women to breed to excess these days. Never mind that it is coming from the "Can't feed em, don't breed em" crowd. I had promised myself that I would not discuss my children's reproductive choices, but I now feel that I needed to say something to her. I encouraged her to ignore anyone who wants to exert pressure on her and make her own decisions. I know she will, but it doesn't hurt to know that someone else agrees with you. I almost decided not to send the letter, but as I was stepping out of the park I found a small charm on the ground that looked a lot like her deceased dog. It seemed to me that George was sending me a sign that I should send the letter. When I got home, I wrote it out in a nice card and sent it to her. 

This morning I almost decided not to walk. It was supposed to be raining, but when I saw what a beautiful morning it was, it changed my mind, As I was walking out the door I decided to wear my new hat. It did get a lot of notice, and not all of it bad. I have always felt that I really wasn't a hat person, but this one is changing my mind about that. It fits well and I just kind of like it. When we were in Texas my son wanted to take his Knights of Columbus pin off his suit and I encouraged him not to. I told him that if anyone had a problem with it, it was their problem not his. He shouldn't change who he is to make them feel more comfortable. I feel the same about this hat. If someone has a problem with it, they are the one with a problem. I'm wearing my hat.

Walk it Off

I have started walking again. I want to place the blame for being homebound on laziness, but the truth is that anxiety plays a large part of it too. Somehow, my mind exaggerates the distance I need to walk to arrive anywhere and the safety of doing so. If I pay attention to the neighborhood chats, I'd think that packs of wild rabid dogs are roaming the streets. The truth is that I am only a few short blocks from town and the only rabid dogs are college kids on Saturday night. I made this amazing discovery just in time for it to get to be summer in the south.

And the Target here is smaller than my apartment. I don't want to shop at Target anyway. 

 

Keeping it Up

Since I moved in, I have tried to keep the place up. Not a daily scrub down, but top cleaned at least. But I arrived home from Texas exhausted and having been sick over the last few days, things have been a bit neglected. Today, it got on my nerves. It seems that I have become accustomed to living in a clean and tidy place. Having a thin layer of dust on the dressers and a growing pile of dirty laundry in the basket just isn't cutting it for me. I still don't have a ton of energy, but I did manage to push the button on the Roomba and sweep and mop the kitchen and bathroom. The laundry is going to have to wait for another day. 

The dress I bought for the wedding and the matching shoes arrived this afternoon. The shoes fit so well. I can always trust Sketchers to be true to size. But the dress is just a bit to large. It is on clearance, so I went ahead and ordered the next size down. Hopefully it will arrive with the amazing speed that the larger size did. I am going to wait closer to the wedding to decide which one to return. I'm almost afraid that the one I have is only too large because the last few days of illness have left me temporarily smaller. 

The dress looks exceptionally better on the model than I think the proper sized one will look on me, but I like it. The lace is very thick and heavy. When I saw it I had a memory flash of my grandmother wearing a similar dress in black lace. She had on white gloves and a pill box hat that matched the dress. I suspect that she made them both. The memory was so clear that I even remembered the smell of the perfume that she was wearing. I am going to wear my pearls with it and carry a small silver clutch that I bought in a thrift shop in Washington. I think that I will look styling for an old fat lady. 

Wildflowers

 I miss the flowers of the PNW. They are everywhere this time of year. It is still cold enough there to have to wear a coat, but the flowers bloom. 

There are no flowers here and it's a pity. I felt well enough this evening to walk the road that encircles the apartments. A few days ago when I was out I noticed honeysuckle vines among the trees. They were close to blooming and I hoped they would be out. But the maintenance people must have trimmed the vines back. All the buds were gone. So were the blooms on the blackberry thicket. It's a shame. I guess I should be happy the realty company wants to keep the place up. But the bees need the wildflowers to be healthy. Maybe they consider the bees a nuisance too. 

I did notice that there are no homeless camps in the hedges. In the PNW there would be. But there is less homelessness here. I wonder why. Maybe it's just that housing is more affordable here. I hope that is what it is. Otherwise, I have no guess as to why it would be.

Storm

I'm sitting in my comfy armchair watching a storm out my window. We are under a tornado watch that keeps getting extended. My back bedroom is a windowless room in the middle of this building, and I will probably end up sleeping in there tonight. 

Jerome, my next-door neighbor is on our shared porch talking loudly on his phone. Usually I do not mind. but tonight I would like to be out there watching the storm. It feels like eavesdropping to stand there while he is having a conversation, so I came inside. Honestly, I am more comfortable here. And I can write a blog post while I watch the storm. BTW, I'm sorry about the last post. I accidentally deleted it while trying to clear out a dozen or more drafts that never got published. Apparently, Blogger doesn't have a mechanism to retrieve it. I'm sorry to lose your comments. 

I woke up this morning not feeling very well. I have right flank pain and very dark urine, and I have almost no energy. I keep checking my blood pressure, but it is almost normal. It has been for a while, since I started drinking salt water when I wake up each morning. But I'm wondering if I'm not developing a kidney infection, I've been trying to drown it out with firewater and cranberry juice. If it gets any worse, or isn't better by the morning, I will go to an urgent care. Sad state our healthcare system is in. I feel like I'm better off at home with witchdoctor treatments than I am in the hands of licensed professionals.  

Speaking of sad states, I have music playing on my television. I can't stand to watch the news of the illegal war our country is in anymore. Our government tells us one thing, Iran says something else. In a different age I would believe our government. Now I almost believe Iran more. At least my son hasn't been called up yet. I hope that it stays that way. He was a few years ago to aid in one of the hostage releases in Joppa. 

They say the naked president is in ill health. I hope that it's true. But if it is, I'm sure that he is getting better healthcare than the rest of American citizens are: than I am. It would be glorious to wake up one morning to find out that he is gone. But I would probably feel the same anger that I felt when I heard that Pol Pot died in his sleep. Justice was not found. 

I hear that they are cancelling elections now. When do we start rioting in the streets?

UPDATE: The tornado watch has been upgraded to a flash flood warning. With the amount of rain and water running down the downspouts, I can believe that it might happen. Wouldn't that be something. I was flooded out of my apartment in Georgia. The house that I lived at in Washington flooded last fall. Surely it won't happen here. The picture was snapped just as a bolt of lightning lit the sky. That is why it looks like it might be morning rather than the deep of night.

Today's Project

Growing up, my father kept his guns in the utility closet. He was a soldier and a hunter. He always had guns in the closet. He taught us to consider any gun as loaded. So we were never to go into the closet. We were not to touch the closet, or even look at it. As a result, I grew up with an abnormal fear of the utility closet. 

The utility closet in my apartment is located in a very prominent place; in the dining area, just outside the kitchen. And it is somewhat of an eyesore. I bought some wall stickers trying to improve the look of it. It does not distract from the fact that it is the utility closet. And it isn't exactly the look I was looking for. It reminds me of something you might put up as a backdrop for a dessert table at a home bridal shower. I am trying to decide if I want to keep it for a while.

Speaking about tables. I think I may have found one. I found it on FB Marketplace. It is located a couple of miles from here. And it is solid wood for the price that I would have paid for a plastic folding table and a few chairs. Tim and I will be going to pick it up tomorrow afternoon. I hope this will work out. 

Clean Enough for an Irish Housewife

 I woke up this morning and cleaned my entire apartment, top to bottom. I wiped everything down, cleaned the windowsills and baseboards. I scrubbed the bathtub and toilet. I dusted, swept, vacuumed, and mopped. It all took me about an hour and a half to accomplish. I wasn't in any hurry.  And when I had finished, I heard my mother speaking in my head saying, "It's clean enough for an Irish housewife, I suppose." 

It wasn't a compliment. My mother used to say it after we'd all finished our chores. And what she meant by it was that it was clean, but you could still tell that someone actually lived in the house we had just cleaned. Then she'd go back through and by some trick I could never figure out, turn the space we'd just cleaned into a room that was good enough to be in a museum. Why she thought that a house inhabited by six children should ever look as if nobody lived there is well beyond me. 

I heard my aunts and grandmother use the same term, so I think it must have come from my great-grandmother, and who knows who before her. The cultural derision is still apparent, though no one in my family is ashamed of having Irish descent. It was just a term that was used.

I looked around after my imagined critique from my dear departed mother and decided that clean enough for an Irish housewife was plenty good enough for me today. The king isn't coming to tea, after all. I don't need my home to look as if nobody lives here to be comfortable in it. I enjoy clean. But clean enough is enough.

Time

 The first day of the year has quietly slipped into the second. I am awake, as always, in the wee hours of the morning. 

I had plans to start the new year off doing traditional things, like making the peas and greens etc. Instead, I spent the day writing letters to those who were kind enough to send me Christmas cards. I could have gotten cards out, and it would have been a good time to do it. But to be honest, I just didn't think about it until I started receiving cards. The letters were brief, just an acknowledgement of receiving the cards, and explanation that I had moved and an invitation to visit me anytime. I included the new address. I have six of them stamped and ready to go into the mail. 

Where the rest of the day went, I could not tell. As my grandmother would have said, I piddled. I got a few small things accomplished. I read a few pages of The Hobbit. Mostly I looked around and made plans. Or to be more accurate, I remade plans. I have been planning to get a full-sized bed for the main bedroom. But I have queen-sized sheets and blankets and comforters. And if couples come to stay, as I have invited six so far, having a queen-sized bed would be much more comfortable. The room is big enough to handle a queen. My main objection is that I can't manhandle a queen-sized mattress by myself. But the truth is that I doubt I'd be able to manhandle a full-sized one either. When I need to flip it around, I'd still need to have my son come over to help me do it.

After piddling my day away and remaking decisions that I thought I'd already settled, I looked at the can of peas and the can of greens and just couldn't bring myself to want to eat them. I took them out to the small sharing shelf near the mailboxes and left them there. Someone had left two televisions there. I brought one in to see if it worked, and it did. But it isn't a smart TV and will need an interface to hook up to wi-fi. I decided that televisions are the only thing that are still cheap enough and decided that I didn't want to mess with that one. I took it back.

When I got back inside, I took all of the leftover snacks and treats from the holidays out of the refrigerator and made myself a charcuterie meal. I may have no luck or money for the whole year, but I did not have to eat those peas and greens. I hope someone else will enjoy them for me.

And now it's the early morning hours of the second day of the year and I'm still piddling. But that's okay.