Insomnia

It is 3:19 AM and I am awake. My insomnia is full force lately. I went to bed tired, but my Fitbit tells me that I have only gotten three hours and ten minutes of sleep: none of it deep, none of it REM. It is too warm in my bedroom and my arthritis pain is fairly moderate. I can take ibuprofen, but do I dare take more melatonin? Will that have me sleeping until noon?

I have been here for a full month. While I am no longer in the fight or flight mode, (I think I did both) I still feel adrift. This does not feel like my home. I have the urge to ask permission before I make the slightest change. But I don't dare ask permission because it is making my son crazy. He wants me to feel at home, for this to be my home too. So, I make the changes that I must have and hope that I am not stepping on toes. But this does not feel like my home.

Yesterday morning I woke up at nine. I showered and decided that I really needed to have a place for my puff to hang. So, I found a hook in my knitting supplies and hung it from the rack that hangs from the shower head. There were only two hooks built into it: one for Tim, one for Jack. My puff is teal and the colors in the bathroom are navy and grey. I will find a new puff in the proper colors the next time I go to a store. 

After the changes I made in the bathroom, I stripped the beds and washed the bed covers. They have not been washed since I got here. This is a bachelor's pad: men do not seem to care about those things. But, you know, bacteria and smells...When I remade the beds, I used my travel blanket on my bed. The coverlet that was there is a winter blanket and is too warm. Maybe it was one of the things that have been disturbing my sleep. The room is decorated in black and grey, as is the rest of the house. My travel blanket is a cotton summer quilt and is white with grey roses, not too much of a disruption...I hope. Tim calls it my room. I hope it won't upset him. He doesn't seem to get upset over much. While making the bed, I noticed that the sheets are polyester. I'm kind of a sheet snob. Polyester does not wick moisture, and the bed is too warm. I wake up in a pool of sweat every morning. I ordered new cotton percale sheets. I got them in grey, but it's another change I worry will step on toes. Guests do not wash the bedding or buy new sheets, and I still feel like a guest here. This is not how Tim wants me to feel, so I do what I need and hope it will be fine.

I cleaned the kitchen and living room and noticed that the AC blows hard from the vents in both rooms. That led me to check out the vent in my room. It was closed; I assume it is the same in the other bedrooms. I took the broom and opened mine with the handle, only a little. Somehow, I doubt that Tim ever even looks at them. But I can't sleep when I am too warm, and my bedroom has been too warm, even with the fan running. Those toes again...

Tim found an advanced emergency medicine course for paramedics that he'd like to take. It will have him spending three days a week in Florida through Christmas. He asked me if I would mind being left here with Jack while he does it. Jack is fairly self-sufficient, and of the age that leaving him alone would not be a problem legally. But he is a teen, and it is a better idea for an adult to be present. The opportunity is the sort of thing that his ex-wife would freak out over. He has walked away from a lot of career development to appease her. I have nowhere else to be so, I will be here at least through Christmas. I guess he's worried about stepping on toes too. 

I'm getting tired again now. Maybe I can get back to sleep. Hopefully I won't sleep until noon. I should get the broom and open that vent a little more.