Mother's Day

 

It's Mother's Day. I really didn't know it until my brother wished me a happy one when I woke up this morning. We really aren't celebrating it here. None of our children are here and it's been decades since we had a mother to honor. Since it is a beautiful day, I decided that spending it in the park with a picnic lunch would be good. I packed a tuna sandwich, a banana, a couple of diet cokes and my knitting and walked over. I'm glad I did. It was a good plan. 

The added benefit was that there was nice natural light to see the stitches in the dark blue hat I have been trying to knit. I have taken it out several times because the stitch pattern gets off. And it does that because I can't see it well with house lighting.  I could remedy this if I would make myself develop consistent habits, like always putting my work down on a knit stitch. Or I could just knit with a brighter color yarn. The color of the yarn doesn't show up well in the picture. It is actually a dark royal navy color. 

The hat is for Jack's birthday. I would like to get it sent out tomorrow, but that isn't likely to happen. It takes 8 to 12 hours to knit a hat. This one is fairly simple, but I chose to do it in a dark color that I can't see very well. I chose the color because it's for Jack and I don't want him asking "Does Nana realize that I'm a guy, not a girl?" 

That and I think the other hat I made him might be taken for being too. And the rest of the gift is a guidebook for hunting Sasquatch and a horn cup. He might think I'm just off. He probably will, so I'm sure that making another hat will really make it better...yeah, I'm alone in my head that much. It would be easier to get a gift for a teenager that I actually have contact with. But I haven't been allowed to see or talk to him since I left Georgia nearly 3 years ago. He isn't allowed screen time, so no phone calls or FaceTimes. He isn't allowed to go to family events because he might have to miss a day of school. Sometimes my son will send a photo of him with a gift I have sent. That is as much as I ever get. I wrote letters to him for a while, but he never answered. I have to wonder if his mother withheld those too. Maybe I should include some stationary, a pen and some stamps too. But that almost puts a demand on a gift. Maybe I'll just send some with a letter at a different time. I think this will only get harder as time goes on. I'll probably just resort to sending gift cards at some point.

I think my knitting picnics in the park might become a pleasant day event. It was very enjoyable. While I was there, people's dogs kept walking up to me because they smelled the tuna. Then they would talk for a minute. It was just a nice afternoon. I think it will happen again

Early Morning Ramblings

 

I am so inconsistent about coming here it makes writing a new blog awkward. So much has happened. It is hard to speak of it. I watch the news in horror now. The world has always had evil, but it seems that it has taken completely over. Russia is ... there just are no words strong enough to cry out against evil! Then I have to realize that we have done the same, and in my lifetime. Just on the other side of the world and... and what? The truth is that I had no way to truly understand or empathize with the people who were being terrorized. And there is Afghanistan...I have to close it out because I have no way to apologize, or to make it better.  And I worry about WW3. This time we will not be spared. This time they don't have to cross oceans to get us. 

Now I hear that we are to be the next target of the republican war machine.  Welcome to Gilead...Roe v. Wade is gone. How could we not understand that it could be taken away. Or in the least, not understand that Roe was the ERA that we got. Why did we not insist that it be made constitutional law? Mostly I block it out. I sit in my room and knit or play games on my iPad. I watch Time Team on YouTube. 

We had a beautiful double rainbow the other day and I prayed it was a sign, but Cheese is still here. I don't go into the living room other than to walk through the front door. To sit in there is to watch him die. It's pretty awful. Karen sits with him and takes care of him. I know she wishes I would too, but this is not my choosing. I would handle this all very differently because I know that emotionally I can't handle it this way. He can't possibly hold on for much longer. I say that, but yet I said that last year this time. I pray God that he doesn't. 

On the lighter side, Mollie and Chris got married. The ceremony was beautiful, Mostly, everyone behaved. Mostly it was Chris's family. Matt and Jen had just started new jobs in Austin, so they weren't able to make it. Tim and Ex. were there. But Jenn forbade Tim from bringing Jack with him. She said that he couldn't come because he would have to miss school while traveling home on Monday. Frankly, I don't buy it. She was being the passive aggressive B she has always been to us. But we were spared having to deal with Ex's wife. There are mercies. 

I really like Chris's family. They are maybe the only extended family I know who don't show up for Thanksgiving dinner with drama and baggage. Everyone relaxes, drinks way too much, eats even more and then leaves happy they came. The wedding was the same. Everyone came, drank way too much, ate even more, then danced the night away, happy they had come. 

The visit with Ex was good, and weird and awkward. I am still processing what I feel about that. I didn't realize until the wedding that something in my mind equated the wedding with finally closing the door on my relationship to him. So now for me, it's over. He is another long-ago friend living in North Carolina. 

To be honest though; I barely recognized my old friend. Physically, he has changed a lot. When I married him, he was 6'2".  His nickname was Too Tall. Now he's barely taller than I am. Mollie was a little taller than him and she's only a little taller than me. And he is feeble. I don't know how it is that he is still working. 

I think it is better that it's over now. I'm not sad about it. It has just taken a lot of mental adjustment to come to the realization. Like I said, it was good and awkward.

The train trip was hard, and frustrating. It was beautiful, and there were definitely redeeming things about the trips. But I don't think I will be doing it again for a while. Amtrak has made it unsafe to travel in Coach. They have cancelled so many trains and routes on the west coast that all of  their trains are over-booked. That means that there is a 100% chance that every seat will be sold out for most of the trip. They don't require masks, and won't enforce not coming on the train if you are obviously sick. They could allow me to purchase both seats, so I would have a buffer and they wouldn't lose a fare, but they won't. If I purchase two tickets for myself or a ticket for a fictional passenger they will just cancel my trip. So I just don't feel safe riding with them for the time being. I would like to take a trip in the fall, but that is unlikely with the way things are now. For now, I. am stuck to where I can go on the Sounder.

I have a lot more to say.  I just need to work through it more. The wedding was a big transition for me that I hadn't expected. Hopefully I will find my way back here more.

Wash Rinse Repeat

I was excited when I woke up this morning to sunny skies. That hasn't happened here in a while. I decided that my walk had to be to the park to see if the mountain was revealing itself. And sure enough, there it was. It is looking nicely snow covered these days.

Besides walking, I have been knitting and planning my next train adventure. I have definitely decided that I will get the USA Rail Pass and make a month long trip out of my transportation to and from the wedding. I am thinking of taking the Coast Starlight and the California Zephyr to Chicago and the wedding. Then I will leave out on the Lake Shore Limited to New York. From there I'm thinking of taking the Carolinian Piedmont to Charlotte, the Crescent from Charlotte to New Orleans, the City of New Orleans back to Chicago and then the Texas Eagle to LA and the Coast Starlight back to Seattle. That will use up eight of my ten segments. I can leave the other two for now. That is a lot of travel. I'm sure that it will become refined as I plan more, but for now it gives me travelling through large portions of the country. I am waiting until February to finalize my plans. I understand that deals are coming soon.

The cat still lives.

All In a Lazy Day

It's laundry day. I had piles of it. I got most of it done today. I have another load that I could do, but I've done enough today. Laundry day used to be Mondays. Now it's if I get around to it once a month or so. At least by getting it done now, I mean folded and put away too. That has not always happened. Purgatory for me would be a job in a laundromat.

I walked a bit today, but did not take any pictures. The weather is a bit better than it was yesterday, but will return to the frozen fog sometime later tonight. There were a few neighbors out and about, a man walking with his toddler son, a lady walking her dog, various homeless people who always seem on the move. Still, I didn't get far before I just ran out of wind. I'm building my strength back, a little every day. I need too, I have miles to go before I can put this year to sleep. 

I also worked a bit on the hat I thought that I was designing, though not with near the enthusiasm I had in the past. I think that it will be a handsome hat when it is finished, just without the originality that I was hoping for. 

I have started to plan for my trip to Chicago in March. Mollie and Chris are finally getting married in an outrageously expensive service and reception on the third of April. It would make an expedient lot of sense to just take the Empire Builder back across. It is the shortest and least expensive route. But I'm thinking that I'd like to see a bit more of the country on this trip. I may take the Costal Starlight down to Sacramento and the California Zephyr across to Chicago. If I get the USA Rail Pass, it will only cost slightly more than if I purchase just two of the tickets. I just wish the time of year was better. Late March, early April isn't prime viewing time for most of the country. I'll want to make the trip again in the fall. 

The cat still lives. The tree still comforts him. 

Frozen Fog

The weather is best described as frozen fog. It is cold, wet and very still. It seems to be drawing the life out of the town. Everyone is hunched, heads down, hands in pockets. walking quickly to wherever they are headed. No one is stopping to greet a neighbor. Even the dogs seem to be about business, and not stopping to sniff. They say it should last a while longer. The air quality might get bad. It has been interesting living here. I've experienced things I never heard of before like atmospheric rivers and frozen air masses. 

I got out for a walk. It really does help, and I need the help. It's just hard to get myself together to do it, though I usually and happy when I do. 

Nothing New Under the Sun

It is a cold, somewhat blustery day. I haven't wanted to move far from under the covers. So I have been knitting. I had an idea to create my own pattern.  I got it while watching all the YouTube train videos. I was captivated by some of the hats that I saw. I thought about it a lot while I was actually on the train, but I finished the hats that I was already working on. That is a different pattern that I worked on and can call my own. 

The hat that I am working on has a doubled ribbing, that I figured out myself how to accomplish and staggered knitting and purling for the body of the hat. I want it to be roomy, so I started by casting on thirty or so more stitches than I normally do. 

I was getting kind of antsy about the dimensions so I went to Ravelry to look at other similar hats. Doing that I found a pattern called Wurm by katushika that is almost identical to what I'm going for. I downloaded it, and read it. It is remarkably similar to what I'm doing. I will finish the hat, but will have to think of improvements and tweeks to make it a copywritable and saleable pattern. This is the problem I have been having. There really isn't anything new under the sun with a craft that has been around almost as long as it's been shining. How other people call a basic pattern theirs is kind of astonishing to me. This hat has some styling and techniques that can easily make it more amenable to calling the pattern hers. But still, without seeing her pattern first, I was doing a close copy of it. 

Cheese and the tree are still with us.

 

Life In These United States

 

I have started cooking meals for the animals. This isn't a first time for me, but the first time was a period of extreme emotional duress for me. This time is just a time of need. 

My brother decided before I even moved here that manufactured dog food was poison for dogs. Please don't ask me to explain. He just did. Then my sister added an ever increasing list of vegetables and spices that dogs shouldn't have. Interestingly enough was that the list was almost identical to the list she doesn't care for. It didn't matter, the dog's diet got ever restricted. It had worked itself to balogna or peanut butter sandwiches. It was never my choice, until recently when came to a head. We had cooked porkchops on the grill (in the snow), and Bear attacked the plate coming in. He does not have either aggression or food insecurity issues, so this was a first for him. After a family counsel, it was decided that I can cook nutricious meals for him. My sister has decided that she can contribute a nutricious biscuit for a snack for him. It worked. He loves the meals, but the cats love it too. A good thing because cat food has disappeared off the shelves. 

So, I am taking walks, cooking for animals and watching a cat die under the dead tree in my living room. With all the sarcasm of a recalcitrant teen, Life is Good...

Lacking Patience for Fools

I leave off talking with my extended family to my sister. She’s more diplomatic than I am. So she has been the one talking to the Aunts about Cindy’s death.  I wish I could be surprised by their reaction. They are all shocked and saddened by the news,but they also try to justify their or their children’s decision to remain virus bait. Some make sketchy claims that they don’t need it because they have had Covid, it was like a mild cold. It seems to be COVID’s version of “I got the flu shot once and it gave me the flu” lie. I can’t talk to them anymore.

Cheese is still dying under the dead tree.

Back to It

 

I have been trying to ease myself back into daily walks. It has been difficult. The infection was bad and took a lot out of me. But ice was still on the sidewalks the first time I tried. I didn't get far, just to Main Street and back. I waited a few days and tried again. Even though the air temperature was spring like, the ground was still frozen. I got a little farther, but had to turn around because my feet were frozen and numb. 

My walk today was the first time I felt myself getting stronger. The temperature is in the 40's and the ground is still extremely cold and wet. The walk was chillier than I expected it to be. But I persisted. I was helped along by the mood of the neighborhood. It's Friday afternoon, everyone is relaxing happily into the weekend. I could tell it in the playfulness of the teens who were getting out of the high school. 

Today I felt stronger. Being outside the bubble of my house felt good. The forecast is for cold, but dry weather for the next week or so. Maybe I will be able to see the mountain.

An Explanation, Sort Of...

 

My sister was watching a Tru-Crime type story on the television in the living room. It's what she watches now, because watching the news is bad for our mental health. I walked in the room to see the image of a mom and dad visiting a son in jail, being all supportive and encouraging. Then Karen told me that the son was in jail because he had laid in wait to murder his whole family. He killed his sister, but the parents came home together and he didn't think he could take them both on together. I was galled, and astonished. But then Karen compared the situation to a friend of ours who has a son in jail for murder. And I thought about another friend who was in a similar situation. Even though our friends children didn't try to kill them. I don't judge or condemn them for loving these people who did unthinkable wrong. 

So that's kind of it in a nutshell. I have noticed that I tend to spout off on a subject without giving it a full thought. It was terrible that parents should support the person who tried to kill them, and did kill their daughter. But it was reasonable for my friends to love their horribly errant sons. Who am I to judge anyway? It is this realization that has kept me quiet for a while on this blog, this and other issues. But I've gotten to where I don't want to express a view, because I am afraid that it is inherently flawed. So instead, I say nothing at all.