Expectations

Many years ago, while I was still in my early 20's I expressed to a close friend how disappointed I was that my then husband had totally ignored our anniversary and Valentine's day and that I was sure that he'd not acknowledge Mother's day either. My friend advised me that the problem was that I had expectations. If I'd just accept the fact that he wasn't ever going to acknowledge special days, then I'd no longer be disappointed when he failed. It has a certain amount of logic to it.

The problem is that certain days have expectations built in. There is the expectation that the holidays will be spent with family and friends; that birthdays and anniversaries will be at least acknowledged. When I say this, I'm saying it with a very low bar for what acknowledgement is. A hug and a happy birthday or happy anniversary is an acknowledgement. But the truth is that my friends advice was wrong. I did get to the point where I had no expectation of acknowledgement. I knew that he wasn't going to do that. And it still stung. It hurt so much that I took to purchasing small trinkets for the children to give me on Mother's day just so when I was sitting in Church and someone admired the pretty new bracelet that I was wearing I could say "Oh, thank you. This is what my children got me for Mother's day." Please don't judge. The deception came from a place of brokenness. Sometimes  my ex would hear the exchange and then get angry at me. I think his anger was more guilt than anything else. At least I'd like it to be. The point being, I had no expectation that my ex was ever going to acknowledge me and it still hurt like hell anyway.

So all that was years ago. It shouldn't affect the way that I feel now should it? On April 3 was my anniversary with the company I work for. Our group has a monthly department newsletter that comes out. In it department birthdays and anniversaries are listed and holidays and special occasions too. They left out my anniversary. There was a cry out to congratulate a manager who is retiring on May 31, but no mention that I'd be retiring on May 15. Earth day was mentioned as being on April 22, but not Admin Appreciation day on April 24. I knew that none of this would be mentioned. I had no expectation of it. Still the omission stung.

The company provides $1000 for a retirement celebration for all admins. The management is supposed to host this party. It is a little less than 3 weeks until I retire. So far, I have heard nothing of this celebration happening. I don't expect it will.  It still stings when my friends from other departments ask when this is going to happen because they'd like to come. I have to tell them that the people that I work with are too self centered to do what is expected.

If something should come up I will have to eat these words, but believe me, I have no expectation of that.