Expectations

Many years ago, while I was still in my early 20's I expressed to a close friend how disappointed I was that my then husband had totally ignored our anniversary and Valentine's day and that I was sure that he'd not acknowledge Mother's day either. My friend advised me that the problem was that I had expectations. If I'd just accept the fact that he wasn't ever going to acknowledge special days, then I'd no longer be disappointed when he failed. It has a certain amount of logic to it.

The problem is that certain days have expectations built in. There is the expectation that the holidays will be spent with family and friends; that birthdays and anniversaries will be at least acknowledged. When I say this, I'm saying it with a very low bar for what acknowledgement is. A hug and a happy birthday or happy anniversary is an acknowledgement. But the truth is that my friends advice was wrong. I did get to the point where I had no expectation of acknowledgement. I knew that he wasn't going to do that. And it still stung. It hurt so much that I took to purchasing small trinkets for the children to give me on Mother's day just so when I was sitting in Church and someone admired the pretty new bracelet that I was wearing I could say "Oh, thank you. This is what my children got me for Mother's day." Please don't judge. The deception came from a place of brokenness. Sometimes  my ex would hear the exchange and then get angry at me. I think his anger was more guilt than anything else. At least I'd like it to be. The point being, I had no expectation that my ex was ever going to acknowledge me and it still hurt like hell anyway.

So all that was years ago. It shouldn't affect the way that I feel now should it? On April 3 was my anniversary with the company I work for. Our group has a monthly department newsletter that comes out. In it department birthdays and anniversaries are listed and holidays and special occasions too. They left out my anniversary. There was a cry out to congratulate a manager who is retiring on May 31, but no mention that I'd be retiring on May 15. Earth day was mentioned as being on April 22, but not Admin Appreciation day on April 24. I knew that none of this would be mentioned. I had no expectation of it. Still the omission stung.

The company provides $1000 for a retirement celebration for all admins. The management is supposed to host this party. It is a little less than 3 weeks until I retire. So far, I have heard nothing of this celebration happening. I don't expect it will.  It still stings when my friends from other departments ask when this is going to happen because they'd like to come. I have to tell them that the people that I work with are too self centered to do what is expected.

If something should come up I will have to eat these words, but believe me, I have no expectation of that.

She's Here

Mollie is here for the weekend. She has a baby shower that she is helping with and I have been invited. She snapped this picture when her dog and her boyfriend were dropping her off at the airport.

She was nervous flying. She had them drop her off at the airport 4 hours early. She didn't want anything to go wrong. We texted all day and talked tonight.

We will go to Waffle House in the morning for breakfast. Then spend the day together preparing games for the Shower that is on Saturday. Sadly she will fly out early on Sunday morning and won't be visiting with our church family, all who want to see her.

She's here! My baby is home.

Yes, her dog does always smile for pictures. He's a real ham.

Last Friday

Last Friday, April 12, marked 15 years since the day I found the lump in my left breast. So how did I celebrate? I went to my surgical oncologists office and had a mammogram and an ultrasound. Everything is fine. This was just the yearly follow up. I didn’t plan to have it on my 15th cancerversary. That was the date that was offered when I made the appointment. It did creep me out just a bit. A little too much Deja vu going on.

I told them that this would be the last visit as I am going to Washington state. They are sending my records there to me. I wish every doctor would make it so easy. Every office has their own way of dealing with records.

While I was there I noticed two sisters come in and sit down. They seemed very familiar to me. Later on I figured out that they were friends of my ex-husband and I. I lost track of them after the divorce. Turns out that they both have had breast cancer. I stayed and talked to them for a while after my appointment ended.

By the time that I got out of the office I was starving so I went to a Mexican restaurant that for some reason I had the impression wasn’t all that good. But they had my favorite dish and it was wonderful. I thought about getting a Margarita to celebrate, but the trip home was about 20 miles. I didn’t want to risk getting pulled over and have alcohol on my breath. Instead I bought a bottle of wine on the way home and shared it with Beverly and Neil.

Unfortunately I can’t claim a cure after 15 years. Breast cancer can return even decades after it goes into remission. But honestly, I didn’t expect to still be alive to claim 15 years. I will take that and be glad for it.

Not Fast Enough

This day! I am so over one particular person here at work! He's a director and an asshole. There are 16 directors in this group and he acts like he is the only one.

I came into work after a lovely weekend. I had requests for 3 cube moves. One was his. We have an outside company that carry out the moves. We have them because the company does not want to take on the liability if an employee gets injured in a move. He decided to move himself anyway.  I resisted the urge to fire back in an email "Fine, because the rules don't apply to you, right?" Instead, I answered that I'd request a phone only move. I sent the requests to the person in our group that approves cube placement. He replied back approving only the directors move. So I emailed back asking about the  other 2 moves. A few hours later he emailed back that the moves are on hold because Director Asshole wants to put people he hasn't even hired yet into those cubes.

This afternoon the VP decided that a meeting that has been booked for 3 months and will take place on Wednesday won't work for him. I was looking for a room on another day to hold the meeting. I was lucky to find one an was working on updating the agenda and meeting invite when Director Asshole decided that the meeting times need to be amended to suit him. And I need to do this  tonight. But if I don't get it done in the less than half hour that I have left in this day it will wait until tomorrow morning and I don't care how upset they are about it. They intruded on my lunch time and I am not going to stay even one minute late for them.

Don't worry about them firing me. If they do they will have to pay 6 months unemployment before they start paying my pension. I am fully vested in that.

Wild Night In The Hen House

Sorry. It's a bad picture. It was taken through a screen.

I am staying with friends in the town where I have lived for the past 30 years. It isn't out in the country as the picture would have you believe. But behind the property is a protected wetland area. And a newly built neighborhood on the other side of the wetland has forced the animals that lived on the land into it. There is evidence in the neighborhood that a bear may be living there, though I don't know of anyone who has actually seen it.  Cayotes live there too. I can hear them howling even without my hearing aids. And because it is a wetland it is home to a gadzillion frogs and crickets. Starting at sunset they can make quite a ruckus into the wee hours of the morning. Last night I heard the distant howl of one of the cayotes, then all the crickets and frogs suddenly stopped singing. Another howl and then the chickens started screeching. It sounded like a woman screaming. My friend Neil, works in retail and is at his store before the sun rises. I didn't want to call out the window and wake him up. Kind of a dumb thought as surely the commotion going on had already done the exact same thing. As I was approaching the widow I heard what I hope was a pellet gun go off and the cayotes yelping as they ran off. Then again, nothing. The crickets and frogs didn't even start back up for a good hour. This morning all three chickens could be seen scratching around in their coop. I hope this doesn't become a nightly event

Counting Down The Hours

When I was graduating from high school, I had this absurd friend who kept a count of the hours until. I kind of found it irritating. But that's what I'm doing now. I have 23 business days until I retire. That is having subtracted all weekend days and vacation days that I have left. Multiply that by 8 and it's 184. Multiply it by my salary and it's blah blah blah that I'm not sharing with anyone. Believe me it's not a great deal more money that I'm capable of earning. As ready as I am to walk out the door, I'm terrified. But I really need to walk out the door.

I've already bought a plane ticket to go see Mollie. I will stay with her for a few days to help her move, then I have another ticket to go to Seattle. I bought them because I was sent an offer for great ticket prices. I don't fly very much and only once since 9/11. Plus I have the port and the defibrillator and hearing aids to go along with a bag full of medicine. I'm not sure what to expect. It's causing more anxiety than it should. I just want to be happy and excited about this. And I am, but still the unknown makes me feel edgy and uncertain.

I have a mammogram on Friday and will see my oncologist for the last time. I will say goodbye. And I will make one more appointment with my primary care doctor mostly just to say goodbye to him. I do not have doctors lined up in Washington, but that will all come as it will. I'm not going to fret about it.

My days here are coming to a close. I'm excited, and I'm terrified.

Counting Down

The countdown has begun. I got into the office today and found an email asking me to open a job req to replace myself. At first this felt a little weird and out of place. But then, why should it. It means that in the least they value my job. There are plenty of others who have not been replaced after they left. I have opened many reqs over the last few months and most of them take a few weeks to get approval. I had the req open around 9:30 and it was approved by noon. They want me to train my replacement. I wonder how long it will take them to find someone. They use a temp company to hire, so really they just need to find someone there that they like. I think the next two months are going to be interesting.

Beginning Of Spring

It is actually spring. After the winter that I have had, I couldn't be happier. I don't think that things really change with the seasons. But I am beginning to feel a little hopeful.

I talked to my sister tonight. To be honest, I have some misgivings about moving in with her. She can be difficult. But she seems so excited, and we have some common goals. I want to get in better shape. She wants someone who will walk with her. I love to bake and she needs someone who can help with her catering service. The Cottage Industry laws are fairly lenient there and I'd like to bake cakes and breads to sell at Farmer's Markets as well as my knitted wares. My sister tells me that people really like corn bread there. Who doesn't like cornbread? And I do it well. I might try a YouTube channel, Fat GRITS Meets The Pacific North West. I will live fairly close to a Renaissance Faire. I might try to get into some historical re-enactment. Okay, I know that I'm an old hippie. I admit it. If things don't work out, I can always get a job as a greeter at Walmart. I think...anyway.

Speaking of being an old hippie...Did y'all see the Worm Moon tonight? I didn't take that picture. I don't have a camera good enough to get a good shot. It was just simply astounding. I wasn't able to see any of the other super moons due to clouds. I was so glad that I got to see this one. I told God that the heavens do declare His glory. And the Earth does amaze me with His handiwork. God speaks to me a lot through the world around me. Lately His messages have been loud and personal. I know that some of you don't believe. Just please respect my faith and reality about this. Several years ago I was on my friends porch having my quiet time. I was praying about how I envy birds being able to just get up and fly away when they need to. While I was praying a sparrow came and landed on my knee. It looked me in the eye and then just flew away. I knew it was a message. Well something similar happened again. I was having breakfast in Beverly's kitchen and again praying about how I envied the birds their freedom. This time to build homes in any tree that suits them. When a sparrow flew up and perched on the window sill with pine straw in it's beak. It waited there until we made eye contact and then flew off. It made me feel like everything is going to be okay.

That's all I have. I hope you are well.

Ending of Days

Yes, 64. That's how many days I have left at my current job. I have been here for 19 years and probably would have stayed until 20 years. But the work atmosphere here has gotten so toxic as to make working here an exercise in anxiety. I actually had a panic attack last week and had to leave early. So Friday I went to the retirement website and filled out the paperwork to retire on June 1. When I got in on Monday someone in HR had written me an e-mail explaining why If I retired on June 1 I'd have to wait an entire month to receive my benefits package. I called the only person I know from that department and worked it out with her. Instead of waiting until July as the email said, I will retire on May 15 and begin receiving my benefits on June 1. Then as the joke of the Universe, my supervisor sent a meeting request to go over my performance review. I declined stating specifically that I didn't care. She could bring the papers by and I would sign them. But I have no interest in the meeting. She didn't reply and she didn't bring the papers by either. So far, she is the only one I've told how very much I don't care. The founder of this company, Jim Casey had a reputation for being very fair and open with his employees. He even encouraged them to unionize to insure that they would have someone to negotiate on their behalf. I'm absolutely sure that if he could know the state of affairs now, he'd be turning over in his grave.

The Times, They Are A Changin...

Come gather 'round people
Wherever you roam
And admit that the waters
Around you have grown
And accept it that soon
You'll be drenched to the bone.
If your time to you
Is worth savin'
Then you better start swimmin'
Or you'll sink like a stone
For the times they are a-changin'.

Bob Dylan

Well, it has been a few months. It feels like it's been a lifetime, maybe more. This is a long tale of woe, so if you decide to read, you may want to go to the bathroom and get yourself a drink and a snack first. The times have changed...

December started off lovely. I actually had all of my children in the same room for the first time in years. Mollie came from Chicago with her boyfriend. I made him a hat that Mollie tells me is the only one that he wears now. But then no one was here for Christmas or New Year. I told myself that it didn't matter and that I actually preferred to be alone. I slept a lot. It helped. 

And oh yeah, I hate my job. I used to sit at the at the end of the day and watch the inter-office IM to see when my boss would leave for the day. Then I'd run out at the speed of summer lightening. So I took the firs week of the year off just to avoid coming in. I didn't have anywhere to go, so again I slept a lot. It helped. I really did actually need it. 

Depression was beginning to hit hard. I usually suffer the winter months with it. And then add in the rapid succession of oh crap diagnoses that I went through in the fall, and the fact that I spent the holidays alone. And oh yeah, I hate my job. But I pulled up my big girl panties and pasted a smile on my face. I tried to just muster through. 

When I returned to work I found out that my boss hated his job too, so much that he found another one. He was replaced by a 22 year old, stick thin bundle of cheerfulness and sunshine. She also just completed a time optimization organizational class. We have had many, many meeting where she drones on and on about how she does this or that. I often want to remind her that she was still wearing diapers when I started this job. But what would be the point. Life will eventually kick her calendars and status reports.  

Then on January 7 my landlord came down to tell me that a water leak was discovered on the property. The plumber came on January 9 to repair the pipe. But it had been raining all day and the plumber decided that a temporary fix would hold until he could get out to do a permanent fix on the pipe. The temporary fix broke an hour after he left and flooded the apartment that I'd been living in. I had to move out so that the apartment can be repaired. But this is the thing. My landlord runs the rest of the property as an Air BnB. They make a lot of money doing that and my apartment is worth many times the amount that I was paying in rent if it is used in the same way. So when it is renovated, I will not be able to move back in.  Essentially, I am homeless.

I have renters insurance, and they have placed me in an Extended Stay Hotel until the end of this month. After that I am on my own. Very little of my things were damaged in the flood. I lost some blankets and a coat that was thrown on the floor of the closet waiting to be washed. A book shelf was damaged, but there were no books on the bottom shelf. Beyond that and losing my apartment I guess I was lucky. But the tragedy of losing my home is not making me feel blessed.

Having lived for the past month in a hotel has been an experience. The first thing is that in my inexperience with this sort of thing, I booked the first week myself. Then I called the insurance company. My first thought was just to find myself a place to be. Apparently, I did a good job. The insurance company told me that the hotel I booked was the best choice that I could have made and they would take over the reservation. The money that I'd already paid would be returned to me. That alone took several weeks.  The hotel is in a business district, I booked it close to where I work. I thought that I could reduce the stress that I am under by eliminating my commute, The stress remained considerable. But the hotel guest are mainly business people who are being temporarily housed for whatever reason. From what I can tell there are no families living indefinitely in the place. The electricity has been a bit touchy. The third day that I was there half the building lost power. Unfortunately it was the half that I was staying in. The power stayed off for the entire night. When the crew came in the next morning they found that the night clerk flipped the breaker the night before. One of the guest staying there was so upset that he punched one of the elevator buttons and broke it. It hasn't been repaired. Then on Saturday, the whole area lost power when a transformer was damaged by some road construction crew. I went shopping during that time, but when I came home I found that the lights in both elevators are not working. The only light is a small emergency light that gives the ride the feeling of stepping into the twilight zone. I went to the laundry to do some clothes only to find that three of the four washers were not working. I'm going to try again tonight, but if the story of the elevators is any indication, I think it may just remain that way for the remainder of my stay. And Super Bowl Weekend, what a trip. The whole hotel was booked solid with people going to the game. I heard they were paying premium prices for the rooms. Most everyone was drunk and loud that night, and subdued when leaving in the morning. But overall, I feel safe in the area. I have a comfortable bed, a clean bathroom and a small kitchen. It hasn't been terrible. 

My insurance runs out at the end of this month. My friend, Beverly has invited me to stay at their house for a few months. I have accepted, but at 61 years old I am too damned old to couch surf. I have decided to stay with Beverly until I can arrange my retirement from UPS. That process takes about 2 months. I plan to talk to HR tomorrow to get it started. Then I am going to move in with my sister in Auburn, Washington. She has asked me to move in with her and my brother. She has a bedroom that she painted in my favorite color hoping that I would eventually move there. My first reaction was that it was too many changes, I couldn't do it. But now I am getting excited about the prospect of starting something new. I feel as if I have very little holding me here. But when I think of what I do have it seems as if I am tied by immense and life long bonds. Still, something new is calling me. 

Soon I will be both homeless and jobless. It's too scary to think about like that.