Reality Cracking

I am cracking emotionally. When this whole thing started, I didn't think that it would be this hard for me. I don't have a full social calendar here under the best of circumstances. But I did have hopes to change that. Then I heard the term Corona Virus, and it was March. And I went to a birthday party that I wasn't so keen on going to. Slowly, like the pealing away of a rancid onion, the truth has made itself known. At first I heard the Orange Fool declare that it was nothing to worry about. We had it under control. Maybe it would mysteriously just go away on it's own. Now even he understands that the best case senario is that 100,000 Americans will be lost to this disease if we are smart...and lucky. As much as I was glad that he isn't handing out sugar coated false hope anymore, it is a jolt to know that the King Buffoon has come to understand he can't bully his way out of this. Firing Dr. Fauci won't get him the reprieve that he desires. I thought I'd do better than this. I  thought I'd be stronger. I've seen really hard times before. I know that they don't last.

I cry when I think of my children. Thoughts of my grandsons throws me into despair.  I cry when I see the pictures of what our lives used to be. Could those pictures have been from only a month ago, last spring, last fall, Christmas?

I have grown into the habit of staying in bed all morning, because why not? Nobody is going anywhere and nobody is coming over. What could it possibly matter if I stay in bed or not? I keep my pajamas on all day. That way when I decide to leave my home, I have to think about the decision. I can't just grab my purse and wander out the door. I have to get dressed. I have to be intentional with it.

I  attended church on my computer again on Sunday. It is so nice to have my home church back, even if I can't be in the same room with them. I chatted online with Beverly after the sermon. One of her daughter's is home from the University and brought a friend with her. There house is full. She shared some prayer requests and news about our friends. I told her that I'd been getting out on my bike for rides and she was surprised that I was riding a bike. She suggested that I could send her a few pictures when I'm out of  what I saw. It is something that can give us both something to do.  It's an idea, but I had to stop short of asking for pictures of her walk. I lived in that neighborhood for five years. I didn't want to leave when I did. I am homesick on top of everything else. I don't think I could bear to see the pictures right now. I sent her a picture of my bike, my street and the antique washing machine that someone had just stuck on the side of the road. I was unclear if they were trying to get rid of it. But it is the strange kind of quirk that I see around here all the time.

I would have liked to go out for a ride today. I had actually planned a bike excursion to some of the more quirky things I've seen out and about, but it is raining today, off and on. One minute it will be bright and sunny, but I will start thinking about getting my clothes on and it will suddenly be dark and threatening. We have even had thunder and lightening and hail. That doesn't happen here much. It rains, but thunder storms are rare. There will be no biking today. I am thinking about blogging about the things that I find for Beverly. It seems more interesting than a never ending dialog about which cat is sleeping on my bed today. Last night it was Maxx and Cheese. Today Pippi Longstockings has been keeping me company. Ghost comes in and out, but only stays in here if the Three Little Kittens are underfoot.

I tried to convince myself that it's the weather that is making me so emotional. But then the reality sinks in. We woke up one morning to we are living in the Twilight Zone. I have changed my voicemail message to say "Welcome to Panem, District 7."